Remember the whole Real deal?
If you’re new and don’t, you can read about him here, but let me summarize.
Real and I met at The Bar in January of this year. When I say met I mean he spoke and introduced himself to me first. We hit it off. Two months later, we ran into each other again and I gave him my number. When I say ‘gave him my number’ I mean my best-est ran after him–calling his name–to hand him a wet wipe with my number on it.
That night, we find out that he is in both a long term and long distance relationship. Yet he still came back to The Bar sat with my friends and I and told me that we should hang out. Throughout March and April we kept bumping into each other, exchange coy hello’s, but he never called.
I stopped going to The Bar as summer began but at the end of May he sent me a message. During May and June we talked, by phone, by chat, by messages, and began making plans to get together. At the end of June, he fell off the face of the planet. Began to ignore all my messages as if he never knew me.
Now that winter is surely settled, I know that I will begin going back to The Bar. But I don’t know how to deal with Real if I happen to run into him.
This is where you come in. All you lovely, intelligent, objective ladies (and some gentlemen) need to help me.
For various reasons, I don’t trust myself to react in the way I should react if I was the type of person who respected herself and also? I’m afraid that the way I react will be motivated by my desire for him to want me. (I have pride and an ego, you see. AndIobviouslyhaven’tentirelyletgoyetGah.)
I don’t want to waste any time in my therapy session discussing this with my therapist because hello? I’m not wasting anymore time and money on some dude, you know?
So please, what would you do? How should I react the next time I see him? Pretend I don’t know who he is? Wave? Ignore? Tell him off? Don’t say anything at all? Don’t even look in his direction? What if he talks to me? What if he doesn’t? What if he waves?
See? I need help. Lots of it. My google reader informs me that there are 200 people subscribed to Hope Dies Last. I’m imploring you leave a message. Guide me. Ultimately, I would like to be prepared. I would like to do what a strong, confident woman would do.
What do you think she would do?
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If it were me, and he were to walk into my bar? I would make eye contact, hold it, manage to squeeze every drop of contempt form pain and suffering he caused me, then look away and never look back.
I am sure your therapist told you that he has self-esteem issues and was just using your affection to pad his ego because he wasn’t getting attention from his LDR. He’s an immature jerk and even though you say you haven’t let go, I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t deserve your attention.
part of me says tell him off-after you play the “who are you? have i ever really talked to you before gam?” then part of me (the more mature part) thinks that i wouldnt approach him, but if he were to approach me i would play it cool, just be polite-but short, and never let on to how much you really felt. this may just be ramblings…
Oh, I would never never give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt your feelings. I would say hi and then turn away and talk other friends. I wouldn’t give him the time of day after an initial polite hello.
I agree with trinity. Be polite enough that he can’t say anything abd about you, but definitely don’t engage in any real conversation. I bet he will be watching you the rest of the night, too.
I agree with Trinity and Kate, also. Say hello or wave or whatever is appropriate, then turn back to your friends and don’t give him a second look. If he comes over and talks to you, be courteous without inviting more conversation. Then you can take the high road publicly but think as poorly of him as you want privately. :)
I agree with trinity and Kate and mysterygirl (this is starting to resemble a Monty Python routine). We guys tend to look for excuses to pin the “bitch” label on girls. Don’t give him that excuse, instead give him something to think about and maybe realize the wrong way in which he treated your friendship.
I agree with trinity, Kate, mysterygirl… lol. But they are right – be polite and courteous in public, quick hello, eye contact, don’t invite more conversation, and then go about having a hell of a night with your friends :)
but definitely do not let him think he hurt your feelings!
So yeah.. I also agree with Trinity, Kate, Mysterygirl, Chris, Lpeg and anyone else who decices to agree with me :D
Don’t approach him (obvs.). Let him come up to you and when he does just have allow him two minutes of your precious time and then turn away. If he tries to engage in further conversation just look busy and slightly disinterested in anything he has to say…
Let him know he can’t take you for granted.. a lot of men actually dig it when we don’t give them attention (and then they say we’re messed up!)
I agree with the above, but know for myself, when it comes to people who you are still not past, this is tough. Even if you manage the “cool” scenario once, how many times will you have to concentrate on how to play it?
I’d say explore other bars. Avoid the unavoidable.
If that cannot be done, don’t make a plan. That way if it goes one way or the other you’re not disappointed in how it shakes out. You don’t feel like you weren’t cool enough, or strong enough not to talk to him or not show some emotion. Have no expectations. If you don’t make a plan, you are one step closer to not caring.
I agree with the aforementioned above! Don’t even give him the satisfaction! I miss the Bar!
good luck though!
I am all about the high road.
Be polite, be civil, hell, even be *nice*! Don’t be the one to approach him, but if he approaches you first, make civil conversation until you can politely excuse yourself. (Only saying “hi” and then turning your back is as good as shouting “Yes!! I let you get to me!!”)
DO NOT FLIRT.
If, and only if, he notices the shift in your behavior and asks about it, may you then tell him that you do not appreciate the way he jerked you around over the past year, and do not wish to open that door again.
Hope that helps :)
Acknowledge his presence as you would anyone else. Be friendly but cool. Try to forget the history between you.
What you do ought to go depends entirely on what you’d like to achieve. If you don’t know where you’re going it doesn’t matter which way you take right?
1. Drive him crazy?
Do not even acknowledge his presence (not even eye contact). If he happens upon your scope of vision, continue shifting it like you didn’t even notice him. It will drive him nuts that you aren’t begging for his attention. However, there’s probably not going to be proof that this is happening. You just have to know it for yourself. Silent victories.
2. Appear in the best light possible, for YOU?
Do not go out of your way to approach him. You’ve done enough of tht. But if he comes up to you, be friendly and nice. Small talk like Hi, I’m great, How are you? Good to hear, Alright I’ve got to get back to my friends. The end. He leaves thinking ‘Hope is a sane and cool person’.
3. Getting rid of pent up frustration?
Tell him all the things you want to say to him. No matter how rude or dumb. Why? Because it’s SO over anyway. You’ve got nothing to lose. This way you’ll get rid of him forever. Maybe out of embarassment, maybe because he’ll think you’re crazy. But at least there’s absolutely no what if and you can move on.
Then again, if you’re anything like me, all sense goes out the window when those ‘feelings’ get in the way. Or booze. Be sober. Whatever you do, don’t approach him first.
Wow long comment.
I love the answer from Sass. But I say number 2 – the high road – leave him wondering why he gave up such a great friend – is the way to go.
Make eye contact. Wave. Small smile. Polite. Break eye contact and turn away to your friends.
This will accomplish two things:
1. Make it seem as though you could care less about him or the fact that he ignored you.
2. Make him want your attention. (Since you haven’t quite let it go yet, I figured I’d mention that the less you show you care, the more he’ll want you to care.)
Honestly, I wouldn’t hold a convo with him, flirt with him, etc… but I know it’s hard… if he comes over to talk to you, well, my suggestion is that you take backup to The Bar with you. The mere presence of your friends will hopefully keep things on the level should he decide to wander over and chat you up.
Be cool, confident and coordial but don’t give anything away….he needs to earn some of your time and make up for ignoring your previous attempts at connecting with him…
I feel like he needs to earn your respect back, but he needs to earn it back, don’t give him the cold shoulder, but don’t allow him to eat out of your hand either. It seems like he just isn’t worth your time, but I know it’s hard to let things go, believe me.
I agree with the first response…why? Because I don’t think his actions warrant any sort of friendliness from you. I’d say ignore the shit out of him.
Indifference is more withering than any amount of riot act you could read him. No matter how much you care, showing him that will only provide him with a boost to the ego, and will leave you feeling even more vulnerable than you currently are. Smile, look away, and don’t look back. You can totally do this – SO DO IT.
One of my favorite quotes (I’m embarrassed I don’t know who/where it came from): “Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another is to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.”
That is my advice to you. Be polite at the most. Then turn around because he is no more important than a speck of sand on the ground. Even if you don’t feel that way inside, as they say, fake it till you make it. :)
Good luck!
My personal favorite is something I’ve seen bitchy “Southern Ladies” (in the U.S.) do:
Syrupy-sweet fake surprise: “OH HAIIIII! I haven’t seen you in what? A million years? How have you BEEEN? [possible ass-out, minimal-contact, almost air hug at this point] You know, I am SO SORRY I haven’t called you, but I have been SO busy… You look… uh… oh Sugar, you look like you must have been just so happy these past few months. I can tell you’ve been eating well! We should really get together and chat sometime. I mean, really! [make a grimace at this point at one of your friends, but make sure that Real catches you out of the corner of his eye]. Well, Honey, I have GOT to get going, but it was real nice to see you! Real nice! You take care, now.”
The whole goal, from what I’ve seen, is to make it clear that you’d really prefer not to see that person, but that you are going to take the high road because they aren’t worth making you look like you’re not a Lady.
Definitely take the high road.
I don’t know when his person was coming back but it sounds like she did and that was why he stopped talking to you. If so, that’s a jerk move to both you and the gf.
I have been reading your posts since early July. When I had a similiar “fall off the face of the planet.” issue with a guy that I had been seeing since the end of January. The thing that tough about my situation is that I shared not only the same social locations with him but also friends.
I managed to completly “avoid” him for about a month. When I decided to “give up” and attend a birthday party where I knew I would see him. After that very awkward meeting (where I did not bother to say hello) I decided to do what I thought was the appropriate thing and re-establish a friendship. I did this basically to avoid friends “taking sides” making it uncomfortable for everyone else when we were together. For sometime we attended the same social functions with friends.
I have found that I developed feelings for him once again, and once again I was never in his list of priorities not even as a friend. I never let go totally but before we began talking again I was beginning to not desire to have him in my life. So I have decided, once again, that I am done with him. It is just too hard.
I share this to let you know that being “polite” to a person who had no regard for you is unhealthy. In the moment, talking to him may bring you comfort in a socially uncomfortable situation. But avoid it if possible. Go with the intense stare as the first post suggested. Much more effective. Save yourself from the emotional “jerking around.”
Be nice; be lovely; be friendly. But no more. It’ll drive him wild, and he’ll really, really want you.
Trust me. It’s patented.
here’s what I say…i say ignore him…if he waves, casually wave back. don’t approach him. approaching him could only potentially lead into another random relationship like you’ve had before with him, and you may get hurt again. OR you could start dating him and never trust him. so, there must be a million other guys! :)
Totally casual, like he is just another acquaintance. Smile, but don’t approach him– let him come to you if he is going to. And make sure you look like you’re having lots of fun whatever you are doing :)
Ignore him or give him the cold shoulder don’t pretend it’s fine cuz it’s not. If he asks what’s wrong just reply “I don’t generally act buddy buddy with people who’ve ignored me for months on end. I have more self worth than that.” Bottom line, make him feel like the ass-shat that he is.
What I would do: don’t speak to him. Don’t make contact with him by waving or smiling. If he manages to catch your eye, and he waves or says something first, wave back/talk back. Don’t be rude, but don’t initiate it either.
I think somewhat voluble has it. Don’t make an effort to speak to him but don’t be rude either. If he makes a move to talk to you, talk back. But DON’T fall for the boy again. Leave it as friends. Make him work for your respect.
x
don’t ignore him, that will only let him know that you are actually paying attention, a LOT of attention. It takes concentration to fully block someone out of your life, just don’t give him the attention he is looking for. Be normal, be casual, don’t give him any signals that could indicate interest. If he won’t leave you alone (in the event) ask about his girlfriend, see how she’s doing. That should put him in his place fairly rapidly.