I worry, sometimes, I may come across as a desperately single woman whose sole purpose in life is to find a boyfriend. As if I believe that a man would somehow complete me in a way only men can; as if the approval of some guy, by sticking his tongue in my mouth, would suddenly convince me that I am ‘enough’.
I am not afraid to admit, to the entire world even, that I want a boyfriend. That yes, sometimes, I really want one. That, sometimes, all I want to talk about, write about and think about is: Yo, where is my love story, Universe?
Alas! I am a three-dimensional person. I’m blessed like that. I have layers. Some you see, some you don’t. But just because you don’t take the time to know them, doesn’t mean they’re not there.
Still I fear that I project a caricature of myself, on here and in my daily existence, of a desperately single woman who earnestly believes that she would only feel ‘enough’ in the reflection of a man’s baby blues. This image is only cemented when you read my book. A book I chose to base on my pursuit of love.
I know I’m enough. I know my worth. Sure, every now and again, (and again and again) I go through a healthy dose of self-doubt. By the time you reached a certain age, you learn that arrogance –the bastard child of delusion– is The Universe’s pet peeve and like a woman whose been wronged, she will go out of her way to put you in your place. (I try not to get in the way of The Universe when I know she’s right.)
I guess what I am trying to say is that I want a boyfriend: for all the right reasons and for all the wrong ones. I don’t need this want to be judged, pitied or high-five’d in a cacophony of girl power.
But what I really want is for other women to stop acting like I’m uncool for having that want.
The other day, while Pinteresting, I saw this pin:
“Not every girl wants to be in a relationship.” It proclaims in bold font. This champagne drinking woman, we are to believe, is some special sub-set of female. And the thing that distinguishes her from other women is that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She is so proud of herself she couldn’t even use normal font. Normal font is for other girls. Bold font is for independent women who don’t want to be in a relationship.
Excuse me while I take my exaggerated eye-roll out of my pocket and pop it back into my skull.
This girl doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She “just” wants good company, a guy to vibe with, converse and laugh with. As a relationship-wanting woman, I have been enlightened. See, I don’t want the things she wants.
ALL I WANT IS A RELATIONSHIP. What’s this “good company”, “vibing”, “talking” thing she’s going on about?
And don’t rush it? What’s that all about? I’m all like:
Hey you, random man at the cold-meats counter, give me a relationship. NOW.
“Start off simple” she continues boldly, and let the rest find itself.” Then there are a bunch of words I’m completely ignoring because I’ve got a blood clot and the doctor said that if I read bad writing one more time, it could kill me. (Not really. But you’ll allow me some poetic licence, right?)
The author loses all credibility when she begins to talk about “let the rest find itself”. This is not a woman who does not want to be in a relationship. A woman who doesn’t want to be in a relationship would write something like this:
Not every girl wants to be in a relationship. Some of us want to travel the world. Write a book. Do humanity a solid and not procreate. It’s beautiful to be independent. It’s beautiful to have all your needs met by friends.
Our author, on the other hand, is a woman who wants to take a potential relationship slowly. Yet she wants us to believe she is the epitome of easy-going. She is so easy-going she refuses to use the caps-lock key. Turns out, she’s just a woman who’s been sucked into this game we all play where women who “don’t” want relationships are somehow more attractive to men than women who, you know, emit relationship-vibe cooties.
I’ve had this conversation one time too many. So, will you please digest this:
- The average woman (and man, mind you) will, at some point in their lives, want to be in a relationship. (Doctors assume me this is not a pathological disorder, but rather a natural want.
- Not every girl wants to be in a relationship with every guy she meets. (Some of us wouldn’t even date Ryan Gosling.)
- Not every girl wants to be in a relationship every day of her life. (Sometimes, we don’t have space, time or the emotional capacity to be in a relationship.)
I worry that I come across as a desperately single woman. I mean I still get emails from people who read my book and tell me I don’t have any self-respect because I pursued love.
But I don’t particularly care anymore. I pursue all my dreams, all my wants in the same way.
In my honest -sometimes measured, sometimes charged- way. And if that’s not a sign of self-respect or self-worth I don’t know what is.