A couple of weeks ago The Universe sent me this note:
I sat back in my chair, my breath short and shaky. A year ago, I was prepared for ‘A’ to happen. I even met an ‘A’ and it was good. Then it sucked. And it was over. As I tried to come to terms with that unexpected ending, I convinced myself that the best way to protect myself would be to not expect ‘A’ anymore. I would expect ‘B’. I reasoned that while it may not be what I want, I would not have to go through another pathetic conversation like the one below.
***
Me [sobbing into my mobile phone]: I just saw his car.
Friend: Sweety, was he inside the car? Was he with a woman?
Me: [snorting back snot] Noooooo, not his his car. I just saw a car like his.’
Friend: Oh.
Me: It wasn’t even the same colour. And fine, it wasn’t even the same model. But it was a VW and– [incomprehensible sounds that only other heartbroken ears can understand]
***
Trust me, preparing for ‘B’ was a grand idea. I didn’t want to be the girl on that phone call. I compromised. I convinced myself that I wanted ‘B’. And before I knew it, I convinced myself that I wanted ‘C’ and then ‘D’ and then ‘E’. Before I knew it that initial compromise led to a dozen compromises.
a. I want to be in a committed relationship with an emotionally mature man who I can call my best friend and husband in ten years.
b. I want to meet and date an emotionally mature man who I can still call my boyfriend in three months.
c. I want to meet ONE emotionally mature man who is not averse to dating.
d. I want an available man for the summer.
e. I want a man for the summer.
f. I want to have sex with a man who likes me.
g. I want the man who is sleeping with me to not be a full, card carrying member of the brotherhood of douches.
h. I want a man who is only half a douche.
j. I want a man to end a relationship, fling, fuck with me by
having an actual conversation.
Somehow instead of preparing for a promising beginning, I wound up bracing myself for a decent ending. I met a high percentage of men that didn’t want to be in a relationship and I took that to mean that I shouldn’t expect a relationship at all and I should align my wants with theirs. And when I did that I met men who couldn’t offer me what I needed, and instead of drawing a line, I dipped below the line. I began to operate under a another mantra: I’ll take whatever you’re giving.
Now, when I stand distant from my experiences, from myself, I see that I reeked of desperation. I’d been ready for so long that I moved past ready. I was burnt to a crisp. I guess that did make me desperate.
It feels wrong to admit it. It feels judgmental and sad and pathetic. It wasn’t where I wanted to go. It’s just where I was at.
And now I’m not.
Now after straying and stumbling, I am reformulating a new ‘A’. I don’t know what it is yet. But when I find it, I plan to prepare for it. And this time there will be no compromises.
Have you  EVER strayed from your ‘A’?
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Those compromises look familiar in a switch the gender and make them masculine type way. Unfortunately I think my new “A” is I don’t care, I am not looking.
Yea, I think my new ‘A’ is probably going to be a lot similar to yours.
Unless I stumble into you of course. ;).
I strayed from A in the midst of the annoyance of internet dating and what not. And then I stopped caring and just basically told myself, if there is no one out there who is worth it, I am better off just living my life. I met the wonderful wonderful man I have been dating for 7 months now last October. And I told him “I am not dating anyone. Don’t even ask or try. We can walk my dogs together, that’s cool, but otherwise, back off”. And he did. And he was the one I was supposed to meet. He had the patience and he waited until i saw what he saw the first time he met me.
I definitely go A.
I’ve never strayed from my “A”. Of course, that gives the opportunity to the little devil that’s sitting on my left shoulder to wryly comment “well, that’s one reason you’ve been single for the past few years…”
I don’t know. I don’t think I would have been able to stray from my “A” even if I wanted to… the guilt and regret afterwards would probably wreck me. But that’s just me. Doesn’t work like that for everyone. Nothing’s wrong with compromising a bit I guess… it just shouldn’t become a habit.
Want to stick to your “A”? Just make sure you have a near unlimited supply of… well, hope : )
This post really resonates with me right now. I find myself constantly lowering my A. (I guess they’d be called “standards,” but I just don’t like that term for some reason) based on the men that are currently in my life and what they’re giving me to work with. If I find myself attracted to someone in any way, shape, or form, I tend to let them treat me however the hell they want to, instead of demanding that they treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated. I think it’s mainly out of fear of being left by these men all together.
But, truthfully, I guess they’ve all left me in one form or another anyway. Despite me lowering expectations.
Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe that’s exactly why they left me in the first place…
Yes, I have but just in the past couple of weeks realized that and have recommitted myself to preparing for what I want in life. I’m not going to accept anything less.
Oh, how I love this. How many times have we all unexpectedly ended up at (J)?!?!?
*tries not to think about it*
As always, it’s like you read my mind. This really speaks to me.
I strayed from my ‘A’ and ended up on an ‘Alpha’ … a letter which was not even in my alphabet. Alpha was beyond any of my expectations and therefore nothing I could prepare for… and that happened when I reached ‘Z’ – Give up and let go
;)
point taken. . .you should give up and let go
I agree with Christos. I have never been able to stray from my ‘A’ and sometimes it scares me when I spend yet another year alone. But all you need to do is look around at all the miserable people in relationships to realise that by not lowering your standards, you’re not lowering your worth. And self-worth is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes!
You’re not alone Hope, never ever.
You sound so much like me Hope.
I went from A to B to Z … and ended up with a narcissist douche. And trust me, I didn’t know pain until then. Digging myself out of that pain is an ongoing daily struggle still. If not for baggagereclaim.com (not being paid to do this btw, just that it might help someone else too), I shudder to think where I’d be.
You’re never alond if you love yourself hope. xx
I.adore.the.new.layout.
This means I am going to make you do one for me by the way.
Hope –This post changed my life. It was like an A-ha moment! Like Mandy, I was with a narcissist douche, He destroyed me. Ever since, I was left feeling like I didn’t deserve more… I thought, if this A-hole didn’t want me who will??? Your post was like a slap in the face for me to wake up and get with the program. I have been working on changing those tapes in my head. And, rather than feeling sorry for myself, I have been taking care of myself. Once I get me in a good place the man I DESERVE will come! Thank you for your words, Hope.
Wow! And thank you! I needed this slap across the face. You so eloquently captured the swirling mess of turmoil that has taken residence in my head and heart. I hope this finally gives me the strength and courage to end the psuedo-relationship I currently find myself in. Thanks again!
This is probably WAAAAAY too much information, and feel free to delete this (or skip reading it altogether). But I was in a relationship with a man who jokingly said, “if you’re getting lube, buy some with alum.” When I looked up “alum”, I realized one of it’s uses is as a vaginal tightener.
NOT COOL. Not funny, not cool, not nice. I almost cried.
I think it would be nice to have sex with a man who respects me – and perhaps realizes that the problem with space is NOT coming from my end, if you get my meaning.
Again, VERY sorry.
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