The evolution of a dumped women’s thoughts

Recently, I was told that I come across as a bit of a man-hater. Had I been on my game I would have responded, ‘Man-hater? Pah! I’m a people-hater!’ Alas, I was tired, a little disoriented and what with the ex-lover sitting at the next table and all–a lot defensive. My mock outrage felt scripted.

‘What? No. Way. I. love. men?’

Admittedly, men do piss me off more often than not. But there is one little attribute that most men possess, that I not only love and admire, but also envy — their simplicity. I wish I could be simple. I wish my brain worked that way. However, as hard as I try, I will never go from A to� B without a maze of torturous thought. I like men because they manage to reign me in and balance me out.

Take for example the way I processed my last break-up.

I spent some time with a man that made me believe in men again and then he put an end to it. It was a short conversation and no explanation was given other than ‘It’s over. Let’s be friends.’ My mind screamed, why won’t he give me a reason? Why won’t he talk to me? I was told, early on, by a man that: “It is over. He just wants to be kind now.”

I just want him to be honest.

I would sit with my girlfriend’s in the first few weeks after the demise and we would discuss it all; in every excruciating detail. When I was alone, it was my mind.

I just want him to tell me what I did wrong.

I believed my thoughts could be� retroactive. If only I had done this, if only I had done that, it would have worked out. But pretty soon, someone would tell me that I did nothing wrong and that he is an idiot.

I just want him to feel regret.

My life went on and I met many men; some of them even gave me a little bit of attention.

I just want him to see how other men see me.

Time trickled by and I forgot the colour of his eyes.� I cooled down, I understood, I didn’t blame. I just kinda missed him.

I just want him to talk to me.

But he didn’t for his own reasons. And so, gracefully,� I forced myself to move on.

I just want him to be happy.

It was, of course,� only partly true. I wanted him to be happy as long as I was happy too. But he moved on and fell in love and I didn’t. This turn of events left me unmoved but gave me the motivation to get over it.

I just want him to have never existed in the first place.

Months later, I bumped into him and he looked at me in a way that he shouldn’t look at me. And he touched my arm and then said, ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t touch you.’ It was confusing. So I began to talk and talk and talk again. I got angry. How dare he? Who does he think he is? How can he treat me in this way? Then I realized that I never meant a thing to him and that he doesn’t think about me and that it is indeed over (it had been from the day it was actually over) and there is no drama here, no profound explanation for the end, no out of the ordinary experience. It was an ending just like all those other endings and the only sure thing about all endings is that they’re a preclude to a beginning. And so finally, ten months later, my delayed thoughts aligned with his.

I just want him to be kind.

I don’t hate men. I adore them. I love their simplicity. I want them in my life, I need them in my life because when I let them, they make me simple too.

19 Responses to The evolution of a dumped women’s thoughts

mysterygirl! | July 1, 2010 at 4:15 pm | Reply

This really resonated with me. Lovely.
Fabulous | July 1, 2010 at 7:22 pm | Reply

I was there not so long ago. same place. Not a hater, but fed up with shit-tastic behavior and just over it.
Rachel | July 1, 2010 at 8:24 pm | Reply

I could echo so much of this, both because I am recently trying to figure out “what did I do wrong” with a guy I went out with not responding to my “that was fun, we should do it again” email and the whole realization that a situation with an ex isn’t drama, and that they haven’t spared you a second thought, etc, etc.

Also, unrelated, I’ve been writing a lot about hope lately, and everytime i use the phrase “hope dies last” I feel as if I am plagarizing you.
- Hope | July 2, 2010 at 8:31 pm | Reply
  
  Is it wrong that I’m happy you feel that you’re plagiarizing me?
Letisia Cruz | July 1, 2010 at 8:39 pm | Reply

Hi Hope!
This is wonderfully relatable! I guess we do all eventually get there. It just takes us a (sometimes uncomfortably long) minute.

I love it here!
xoxo
- Hope | July 2, 2010 at 8:32 pm | Reply
  
  Yea, my minute has been one of the longest minutes in recorded history. :) I love that you love it here!
Jordan | July 1, 2010 at 11:14 pm | Reply

This is beautifully written. I’m almost to the part where’s nothing left and the ending turns into a better beginning. But it took a long time. Too long. I mentioned you today.
Alexia | July 2, 2010 at 2:22 am | Reply

This doesn’t happen very often but… I feel like I could have written this entry.
I empathised before but now? Now I understand.

For the record, I love men too. x
- Hope | July 2, 2010 at 8:33 pm | Reply
  
  And they love you!
Sami | July 2, 2010 at 4:06 pm | Reply

This post really struck a chord with me. I’m having difficulty with my ex (even though its been 5 years). I hope I can reach the “I want him to be kind” state sometime soon. Though I can’t help but feel I should be there by now.

Beautiful post as always :)
- Hope | July 2, 2010 at 8:35 pm | Reply
  
  Thanks Sami. I hope you reach that state soon. Although, to be honest, I think that until I fall in love again, it will be three steps forward two steps back kind of thing.
Heather | July 7, 2010 at 11:32 am | Reply

Wow. Could it have been said any better? I think not. This is an incredible reflection on the process of “getting over” someone – I’ve been there a time or two and you put it so perfectly into words and feelings and emotions. I love it. Thank you for writing this.
Kristin | July 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm | Reply

For every emotion I feel, there is a post I can reread and get strenght from. My ex (the one I thought I’d get back together with) just got engaged to another. Even though we weren’t technically together and haven’t been for several years, I feel dumped, shocked, and sad. A beautiful dream is over. How do we move on from that? I’ve forgotten.
Kristin | July 7, 2010 at 10:42 pm | Reply

For every emotion I feel, there is a post I can reread and get strength from. My ex (the one I thought I’d get back together with) just got engaged to another. Even though we weren’t technically together and haven’t been for several years, I feel dumped, shocked, and sad. A beautiful dream is over. How do we move on from that? I’ve forgotten.
Bathwater | July 12, 2010 at 6:53 pm | Reply

That is a generalization and unfortunately a trait I do not seem to have.
NoHope (NOPE) | August 8, 2011 at 9:21 am | Reply

I find it hard to believe in love again. When 7 years of my life was a lie it sort of takes the fairy out of tale. I used to dream of love, marriage and children but now all I feel I can do is just exist. Why? I ask myself over and over. Why did he treat me this way? How could someone drag another to 40 and stab them in the heart? Just at 7 years when we were planning (or so I thought) a marriage he bails. Well it seems as if he hates me for my career success so this is the way he pays me back, let me reach 40, all the while pretending he loved me. One day out of the blue, after all I had done to help him be successful I find out he has been dating. Sad part is he pushed for premarital counseling and in the sessions I noticed he was rather negative in hopes the counselor would tell us to break it off. I would drive 2 hours to these sessions. At the beginning of one of them he disappears for awhile and I call him to let him know the counselor was ready for us. Finally he shows up with an attitude. Well to make a long story short, he was strolling around talking to the girl on his cell phone. Sadly as he made me feel guilty for being somewhat successful the girl he was seeing was even more career successful (MD/PhD)?? I just don’t see how someone can be that hateful. All those years (my childbearing time) wasted and now I have to face dating again with so much distrust. What do I do? I want children..I used to dream of a successful family much like my own with husband and kids but now I am left with wondering should I try invitro because it is so hard to believe I have time to play with (he took it all). My ex said the meanest things when I found out about his cheating, things like “no one will want you after 40″ and the worst “you have low self esteem, how could I want you”. I do not have low self esteem, just trusted and loved the wrong one. It has been 4 months since this happened and the hardest is over but the hurt of losing time still remains. He toyed with my heart …he is not with her but someone else. I hate him for doing this to me but I hate myself more for allowing myself to believe in love..
- Angela | October 22, 2011 at 3:39 am | Reply
  
  I don’t have much hope either, anymore – for myself. I lost that, two years ago. I’m 36, and have never really been loved. I do hope for a different outcome for you, though. And I hope the ex gets kicked to the kerb, for being over forty and thinking that anyone would love *him*. What happens to karma and the three-fold law? It seems that the people who care the least, and treat people like hell, are rewarded.
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The evolution of a dumped women’s thoughts

19 Responses to The evolution of a dumped women’s thoughts

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