When Cute Man casually asked me if I would like to go for drinks sometime after work, I had reservations but agreed.
Throughout our three week correspondence he has mentioned his recent break-up in every single email. And I have tried to end that topic in every single email. But, he has persisted. In his latest email, he claimed that there are two types of feelings that one needs to get out of their system after a break-up. The habitual ones and the meaningful ones. Never mind the fact that I am quite intrigued by the way his mind analyzes details this way, it sent shivers down my spine. Especially when he admitted that at the moment his feelings were a combination of habitual and meaningful ones. Say what?
In the very next sentence, he confirmed a day next week for us to get together.
I’ve been on the first date after a man’s long term relationship has ended. I arrive on a wind of hope and a prayer. He arrives with mud in his eyes. It never bodes well for me. So before I replied to his email, I lay down all the lessons I have learned over the last ten years on the table. I thought for a few hours. I discussed it all with a friend.
Sure, I could go for a drink with him and scope the situation out in person. That sounds like the adult thing to do. But knowing me, as I do, if I go and he is as cute and charming in person, I will ignore all the warning signs and crush on him and date him and think about him and then he’ll break up with me and then I’ll be sitting in the exact seat I am sitting now writing, Dudes, I shouldn’t have let it start.
I also know that none of that could happen. I may go and not feel a thing for him. I know that the exact opposite could happen. We’ll got out, get on and date happily ever after. If I don’t go, I’ll never know. If I don’t go, I’m closing a door on heart break but also on heart warming. Instead of doing the adult thing, I did my thing.
I was honest.
Here is a relevant excerpt of the email I sent.
“Sigh. As I said before, break-ups are tough. They’re complicated and they’re messy. And it sounds like this was an important relationship to you. You sound confused and attached. It gets better, I promise. So, I’m going to suggest this. When it’s not complicated and when it’s not messy and when you’re not confused and when your feelings are not deep, but really, really, really shallow, then we can go out for a coffee, a drink or whatever else you like. Deal?”
My hope is this: be real and I’ll get real back.
Eventually.
But for now, I’m smiling much brighter than I was yesterday. Because now I know this to be true.
I’ve got my back.
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i’m proud of this!
Thank you. So am I!
i’ve been reading your blog for a long time and this is my first time commenting. i think you definitely did the right thing :)
Respeck yoself, woman. Then come over.
You are worth admiring.
Amen. I met my current boyf right after his failed engagement and, yes, he’s wonderful but it has been messy and I’m still not sure we can get past the effects of his baggage. saving yourself the pain is the way to go
What you said to him was amazing! You really showed him that you aren’t the kind of girl who puts up with other people’s shit. You don’t waste your time like that! I think it’s interesting what he said about the 2 types of feelings you deal with after a breakup. The habitual ones and the meaningful ones. Makes so much sense, I’ve just never seen it spelled out like that. Insight from a guy…different!
I think you chose the best course action given the situation.
i really love your writing. and i also think that you did the right thing. he didn’t completely over his past relationship and you were giving him the space to deal with it and yet not shutting him off entirely and letting him think you weren’t interested at all. brilliant.
Loved this post! Being real is so much more important than rushing into something you aren’t sure of, and clearly he isn’t sure either. Good for you!!!
Look at you all healthy! I am both in awe and inspired!
I have read your blog on and off for almost two years and I have identified with SO much about what you have written about relationships and dating and getting hurt. I haven’t dated in a long time, but in the past I have gone on lots of dates that lead to heartbreak with guys that sound like the one that you described. Next time (and I’m sure there’s going to be one) I am going to do exactly what you did. Because that was awesome and the perfect thing to do.