Over the last three months, Illicit and I maintained a strict friendship. There was no further kissing and I had convinced myself that we were friends. If you had asked my girl friends, they would have agreed. Except, they would have added air quotations to the label friends.
And so it came to pass that I asked him:
‘Does your girlfriend know that we hang out?’
‘No, she doesn’t.’ He replied; arguing that there was no point in telling her the truth since she may–from afar–misunderstand it.
I, not one to beat around the bush, then asked:
‘Why do you think you flirt with me?’
‘Do I?’ he said smiling. ‘I don’t mean to.’ He argued that I was probably misunderstanding his sense of humour.
Last week while we had lunch, I knew that I had reached my limit of denial. I knew the main reason that I spent time with him was because I wanted to be there if and when he broke up with his girlfriend. I was there because I was too scared of not being there. But by being there with him I wasn’t elsewhere with someone else. I was scared that I would lose my chance. I was scared that I would lose him. Even though, I never really had him. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t let him keep me back while I waited for his synapses to snap, crackle and pop into action.
So I looked him in the eyes, took a deep breath and told him the truth.
And he replied,
‘I like you but I’m not attracted to you.’
As I waited for my own nerve endings to react in some way, I was unable to believe that this was his truth. But it was. He was convinced that we could be friends, that my crush would fade away. I was convinced that this would not happen if I continued seeing him.
And so it came to pass that I ‘broke’ up with him.
I told him that I could not see him again. Later that day, a cloudy gloom settled over Athens. And I got rid of all evidence of our ‘friendship’. Facebook. Remove. Contacts. Delete. Photos. Slide and delete, slide and delete, slide and delete. Messages, incoming and outgoing calls. Delete. Delete. Delete. I didn’t cry. I didn’t fall into a deep blue pool of endless questioning or of cyclical self-pity.
By the next morning, the sun was bright again.
And so it came to pass that I sit here now–happily–hoping that I will remember this story; hoping to remember this lesson.
Truth begets truth. Do not let fear of losing love (or the potential of love), keep you in a headlock. Ask. Get your answers. Get what you want. Do not let fear of the worst case scenario keep you in the unfulfilling reality. Let go. Move toward that awesome potential of tomorrow.
I told the truth. And I didn’t get what I wanted.
I’m still standing; eyes open, heart ready, hope fully charged for the next story.
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It must feel so good to test and know how strong you are. Good for you! You have just opened up your world for the possibility of something really wonderful.
It’s good that you asked, and he answered. You’ll be happier being free to find a man who likes everything about you. :) And Hope, there is one, somewhere.
I needed to see that last part in black and white, and I should probably look at it every day. Thank you for being so brave and reminding me that we can all get through our own fears in order to reach our own happiness no matter how hard that first step is!
Are you giving me permission to cyber-stalk my new crush instead of me playing it cool? ‘Cause that’s how I’m taking it! ;)
Haha! NO! :)
Thank you, you’ve no idea how relevant this is to my situation… and despite being a coward, I asked. Now I’m waiting for the answer…
Good luck! I hope you get the answer you want, dear Chris.
Look at how grown up you are!!! A loyal reader for many yrs. :)
I know, right?
You are one gutsy girl…really…then you say you have phobias…I can tell you a lot of people would rather get on a plane than have this kind of exchange with someone…
I bow down to you, wise woman. And I love you. I love you all the time but right now I love you for this entry.
sometimes it’s so hard to ask ‘coz you’re so scared to know the truth and more often than not, the truth is probably not in your favor, which is probably why you didn’t dare ask in the first place. it’s a reality check. but it was very brave of you.
Wise words. Fear is crippling sometimes, so is doubt. Thanks Hope.
very brave. i, too, needed to see this. it definitely helps to read another person’s story, see it as your own, and learn to be just as brave.
thank you.