It occurred to me on Saturday night that my heart has hardened.
I don’t mind this change at all. Indeed, I’ve welcomed it. I’ve used up too many tissues and ruined too many perfectly drawn lines across my eyelids to last me quite some time. It seems about right that I put up some defenses. I sat–alone–once my plans for the evening had fallen through and it made sense to be alone. It was easy. I picked up a DVD effortlessly and secretly smiled as I watched couples and friends arguing over movie titles. I ordered food for one without looking at a menu and I poured my body into an over-sized t-shirt and torn leggings. I twisted my hair into a bun and ate ice-cream from the carton and I couldn’t care less that I’d become a cliche.
Once the heart hardens and once its gates are protected, there is no way for sadness to sneak in. Hope is lost and the silver lining is that it will force me to stop looking for fulfillment through other people. My heart feels stronger. Even though my head knows that the only reason I feel stronger is because I’m closed to the potential of feeling vulnerable.
Whatever. It’s working.
In fact, I’m smiling more. Inside, at least. And I think bright thoughts like: Colour your life with lipstick. Even waterproof mascara has been known to smudge. So, I paint my lips pink to show that I can play this game too; even when I know that my lips are lying.
I’m not a pink kind of girl at all.
I’m a lips bitten to a raw red girl; a deep red that will always match my short, neatly squared nails. And even though they’re short, and even though they’re square, they are still nails that will scratch. Particularly those who ask to come close to me and when I do, huff and puff and blow the house down. And, I’m still rebuilding from the last time.
I’m lying through my teeth. I say that I don’t believe in me. I say that I don’t believe in him or us or the future. But, I do. I say I’m over him and I say that I don’t care about him and I say that I’m friends with him but I do and I do and I’m not.
I lie because I don’t want to give in to feeling. I want to stay numb. So, I paint my lips pink and pretend that I can play too.When the truth is that I’m all lies.
My heart hasn’t hardened at all.
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Sometimes the best way to move past a relationship is to lie to yourself. Eventually, if you say “I’m OK” enough, it’s easier to believe it.
Time heals all wounds… is what we’ve heard. And sadly, that is true. Hang in there, Hope. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Sending strength and warm fuzzies your way.
This is so raw, so potent. I think so many of us can relate. Beautifully expressed.
Those nights in the torn leggings with the take-out for one and watching that movie you secretly wanted to see and then going to bed early–they are almost-perfect nights in my experience.
I want to see what would be on your list. ;)
It was a perfect night, Sarah. As for the list, keep an eye out. I’ll post it soon, I think. :)
Hey
I totally agree- we smile on the outside to teach the inside and then eventually we stop trying and it becomes real without us realizing it. Well, that’s what we hope for. And until then, there’s dark eyeliner and red lipstick for when you’re feeling down on a Saturday night.
Your posts always strike a chord with me. Now, more so than ever, as i massage my broken little heart after its recent battering!!!
I think to myself, you can get through this, like you did before and just wish and hope that i don’t ever have to experience this pain again, that next time it’ll be real, no more rehearsals, it’ll be the real deal and i’ll look back and be able to realise how stronger the heart batterings have made me. hoping, pleading.
I think you’re right. Maybe the heart does get stronger, and not harder.
I like that.
Hi! I just found your blog recently and have been making my way through it. You’re a really good writer. There have been a few things I have been able to relate to that I don’t think I could have said any better than you.
Beautifully written…what you said about not finding fulfillment through other people is right…these are steps to wisdom…and inner strength…
and I agree with Sarah…you’ve just described a perfect night…
i love the way you write. i’ve been there before… lying to myself, trying to stay numb and not give into my feelings for fear that if i do, it would be like a floodgate that wouldn’t shut and i would be too vulnerable. so i put my game face on and hide it better than others. you said it all so eloquently.