I only realize the pasts influence on my present, when I’m in smack bang in the middle of a brat attack.
At 16, I met a man while holidaying in South Africa. This man was–and still is–my first head over heels reciprocated crush. I adored him. We lived a continent apart and yet we would exchange letters regularly. He confessed that he liked me, that he missed me and that he wished the distance between us was smaller. In time, his letters stopped coming. I would ask my close friend that lived five blocks away from him if she had seen him. Her responses were vague. I was too young to understand triangles. I was too young to understand that sometimes people will evade because they don’t want to hurt you. Then, finally, one day I learned through a mutual friend that not only was my friend and my long distance crush dating but they were in love.
It was a hard lesson to learn and accept at sixteen. It is easy to find flaws in the woman that is dating the man that you want. But when that woman is your friend, it is impossible. I knew her, I loved her. I knew all her good qualities and I knew that she deserved someone exactly like him. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hate him. But I couldn’t–they were so damn cute together–so I quietly surrendered.
Since then there have been moments were I have been worried that the man I like will choose a friend over me. It is not beyond the realm of possibility; my close girl friends come in insanely attractive packages. They are all smart, pretty, independent, funny and strong women. Over the years, the same scenario has unfolded a couple of times. Never in the same intensity and never with the same ending but the story has been the same. I like him. He likes her. She likes him.
Right now, a similar story may or may not be unfolding. My gut feeling tells me that a new man–let us call him Apollo–who I find–let us just say–interesting seems to find my friend quite interesting. There is a possibility that my past is colouring my interpretation of his actions, but I can’t tell. She is adamant that it is all friendly and besides, she is smitten and taken by a very lucky fella.
Still, I worry. I worry because I adore this friend but I have these uncontrollable feelings of anger, resentment and jealousy towards her that I can’t put a handle on. Really, I’m being a brat.
And it blows.
So I’ve gotta know:
Have you ever found yourself in such a triangle with a friend? How have you dealt with it?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
…that I know of, this hasn’t happened.
…but I have a friend who every single man in the world loves. It’s always a tough one introducing a new man to her!
Like you, I have beautiful friends. Most of them don’t live in the same city but when we get together I am most certainly the one they push aside to get to the “real package”. We just laugh about it but sometimes it’s just not funny.
They say I am ridiculous to not want to go out with them or travel to hang out with them…. But it’s no fun for me if the entire trip is watching guys hit on them, watching them blush and rebuff (cause it happens to them all the time) and having anyone I talk to instantly drop me when they see them. ‘hey, how you doing… Introduce me to ya friend over there…’
Blah.
Here, I go out alone. Men don’t meet my friends for awhile. I don’t share well, lol!
well, I’ve never been in such a situation, but I can imagine how hard it is.
My advice : Be frank and open with your friends. When you like a guy, tell them that you like him a lot and you’re thinking you may make a cute couple and you think it’ll work with this guy ..
A true friend will never coz you such a pain after that and get close to him .. unless she’s not a real friend ..
Numerous times I’ve liked a girl, only to find out her best friend liked me.
Dude, I know. It’s OK, get angry. And I’ll try to keep my fingers away from my mouth. :)
(NOT ONLY DO I IRON FOR YOU, I EVEN USE SMILEY FACES!)
PS: Yes, that is exactly right: smitten. Le sigh.
Oh yes, I have been there too. At 16, I dated a guy for a year (he was 17) He was my first relationship, my first big teenage love. 10 months after our break-up and while I still wasn’t completely over him, he confessed that he was head over heels in love with my best friend, and, to her own shock and surprise, she realised she wasn’t feeling indifferent towards him either. It was a very tough situation for me, because, like you wrote, I knew her and loved her, knew that she deserved someone great. And I knew that my ex really loved her, and I knew they fit so good together, so much better than him and I. It hurt like hell, but I loved her, and I loved him, and I realised that I could not stand in the way of love, of their love. So I backed off and gave them my blessings. It took me a while before I could be around them without feeling a weight crushing my heart, but time and a wonderful new boyfriend healed the old wound. It wasn’t the only time something like that happened; I’ve had 2 guys I liked go for my sister (guy 1) and for a good friend of mine (guy 2) Btw, my best friend and my ex are no longer together; after five years of what appeared to everyone as the perfect relationship, they went out with a bang. Funny thing is, I was very sad when they broke up, and kinda mad at him too (like, “Ok dude, you hurt me, that’s ok, it happens, but how *dare* you break my friend’s heart??”) We’re still best friends and I don’t regret letting the past hurt go. As for the anger and resentment you feel towards her, it’s normal, but…if I were you, I’d try to rein it in. It’s not worth it to ruin a perfectly good friendship for a guy who may or may not be right for you.
Only one time.
A boy who I was completely infatuated with, but who only sometimes returned that sentiment (should have been my cue to RUN, RUN LIKE HELL), caught the eye of my very good girlfriend. And like your situation, they insisted I didn’t have to worry.
My friend lied to me for years about it and only just recently “accidentally” told me the truth of their encounter. And even though I’m now married (to another man, obviously) and insanely happy, I was a little angry.
Friends should know better!
I’ve had situations before when the guy, my best friend liked, had a thing for me. And, for someone who genuinely cares about their friends, trust me, it’s equally frustrating. Regardless of how attractive the guy is, or if there’s any sort of reciprocation, a girl should NEVER, EVER get with a guy her best friend liked FIRST! That should be the 11th commandament :)
I find it hard to believe that a guy I am interested in or just started seeing wouldn’t want my BFF, mostly because I see so many good qualities in her, why wouldn’t he?
They don’t get to meet for a long time…
I’ve been in that situation more than I care to share here. My solution was to stop introducing my dates to my friends. Hey, it works.