Notes from a singleton #4

Dear Attached Hope,

I am writing this note in the aftermath-ish of another brutal depression. This one was milder than the previous ones; for the only reason that this time I knew what it was. I reached out for help, I wrote about it and very nearly accepted the shadow infested corners of my own soul.

This one was also–according to my therapist–a situational depression. I like that word–situational; it implies a non-permanence. And one of the more defining aspects of this latest depression was the feeling that the pain would never pass. Ergo life as I knew it could never change.  But the pain did pass. Life did kinda change.

The silver lining during the times I spend in the metaphorical gutter is that I spout such wisdom; my mind’s philosophical attempt to argue my soul back to a bearable balance.

A month ago, I wrote this in the margin of a newspaper.

It was a reminder that I need to feel anxious and scared. I must not try to interrupt the process because then I do things like send desperate message to friends that are not fueled by me; but by the panic. Or the pain.  It was a reminder that I must learn to give people the time and space to give me what they can, when they can, in their own way. And if they still don’t give me what I want, IT IS OK.  I will be fine. I am loved. Pain passes. Life changes.

While I want you to apply this to all–family, friends, acquaintances, strangers–it is particularly relevant to your current beau. Relationships can withstand a lot if there is love, compatibility and understanding. But it does not happen overnight. It grows to that place. Do not sabotage the pre-natal part of this relationship by allowing fear get the better of you. You know what I am talking about. Don’t you dare pretend you don’t. Your biggest fear is intimacy and it is also your biggest, unfilled desire. I know that you are terrified of losing him.

So, listen up.

You can overcome this anxiety you  are feeling.  The one that makes you put yourself down so that he can bring you up. Because if he brings you up then it means that he cares. And if he cares then it means he could eventually love you. And if loves you, he won’t leave you.

You can crawl or walk or run or dance or write through the panic. Whatever! But go through it on your own. Don’t try to find colourful, creative–but mainly crazy–ways to stop it.

It will only make things worse.

Hugs and kisses,

Single Hope

p.s. Tell Future Mr Hope that  I owe him a letter too. Soon.