I live in a city of four million people. Yet I am lonely.
I sleep forty feet from my immediate family. Yet I am lonely.
I work–in solitude–on most days. So I am lonely.
I have 127 friends on Facebook. Yet I am lonely.
I go out with a few honest to god real friends. But I am lonely.
I am pleasant with another fifty or sixty people. I am still lonely.
I don’t have a boyfriend. My loneliness is only magnified.
I talk to far away friends. And I am lonely.
Because despite all the things I have and all the things I don’t have, I spend the majority of my day living alone and on mute. This loneliness follows me wherever I go. A bank teller will glance at me and I think he can see it in my eyes. She’s lonely. I smile at the widowed grandmother in black and I refuse to look directly at her. Because then her loneliness and my loneliness will merge into one seemingly endless pool of loneliness. I see loneliness everywhere. I wouldn’t know where mine ends and another person’s begins.
I know other people get lonely too. They’ve told me so. In hushed conversations about life and death and love and family; they confess, ‘You know, I’m lonely too.’ I watch people on the street, moving, walking, passing, living. How do they live with their loneliness? How can they not–pause–like I do and massage my chest with my hand? It is the closest I can get to nursing my heart without tearing it out of my chest and laying it in a pile of rainbows and lollipops. But if I did that there would just be a gaping hole and that is what it already feels like…
…so how do they feel it and push past it? Maybe they sense it but don’t give it a name? And if there is no definition it can’t be real, right? Maybe they drink to get over it. Attend party after party to avoid it.
I don’t blame them. Loneliness is torturous. Each time I wander into it, I see that it is true and empty and senseless and unreasonable. It is everywhere.
Why wasn’t I warned? Why didn’t anyone tell me growing up that I would feel this way? That we would all feel this way? When the time comes, when I have children of my own, and they fear the dark and they fear the empty space beneath their bed I’ll tell them what has taken me years and years to learn:
When Loneliness lands on your doorstep, you should welcome it in. Offer it a cup of tea, have a chat. Loneliness has lots to teach you. Then when you’ve taken all you can, you should promptly shove it out the door.
Tell me–whisper if you must–are you lonely?
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I work alone and live alone so my interaction with people on a daily basis is non-existent. I know loneliness pretty well. The thing is, being lonely when you are alone, is not nearly as being lonely in the presence of others. That is a loneliness that feels like it cannot be reached and cannot be fixed. I’ve been there too.
Just know that all feelings are temporary, the good and the bad, so embrace them all and remember what it is like to feel them because someday you will want to recall the good feelings or remember the bad ones to better appreciate the good.
Always x
Awesome post. We’ve all been lonely. And I think all of us are always a little bit lonely to some degree.
Your blog is beautifully laid out, by the way.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
Yes, sometimes it’s too awful to admit, but sometimes it’s on it’s way somewhere else.
I’ve been a reader for quiet some time, but am only commenting now as this post really resonated with me.
I’ve just lot my pet cat, who I also regarded as my best friend and baby. The loneliness is palpable. Some people just say to “get a new one”, as if the grief from losing the thing you love and have spent your life with is a quick-fix away. I suppose what I am doing now would be embracing the loneliness, but as you said, I cannot wait to throw it out the door.
Marz, I am so sorry to hear about your cat. Losing a life-long pet is incredibly hard. Hugs from me and my cat, Diego.
I work with people all day. I have a husband I love dearly and a dog and two cats. Sometimes the loneliness is still there, pushing me. I can’t get out of my head, can’t be sure anyone else understands me or I understand them.
I think it’s the human condition to an extent.
My parents did tell me, in their own ways, but it doesn’t help until you’ve lived it.
There are days when the loneliness is nowhere in sight but then there are days when all you see around you is put aside and loneliness finds its way up! Everytime I look at people around me in relationships, I try to think about what it would be like I were one of them…is finding love so difficult?! I thought it was just supposed to happens…damn it, movies have ruined me for life! I love your blog :-)
Movies have ruined me too, dude.Finding love IS hard. But we’ll get it right one day, right?
Yup, we’ll get it one day! Here’s to HOPE!
Yep, I’m often lonely but I’ve kinda learned to live with it.
Fab and touching post as always Hope!
I think everyone is touched by loneliness. I know I for one often feel the solitude of loneliness even when i am surrounded by people. Sometimes i can deal with it fine and keep busy and try and enjoy the solitude (read a book/paint my nails/put on a face mask/go for a walk/drive etc) but other times like yesterday and today, i find it difficult to cope with. Like you, i am surrounded by family and a loving boyfriend, tons of colleagues but it still gnaws away at me, tapping me on my heart almost screaming through my body. i just hope that tomorrow will be better and not as empty as today.
Yes. I think many of us can relate if we really admit it. I’ve certainly been there before, and I’m sure, will be there again.
I am utterly into Hope Dies Last. It is written so beautifully that I find myself wandering back here more times than is absolutely necessary.
I feel very happy to have found you.
Thanks so much. Do I call you Groupie? or Underdog?
Underdog will do!
Your posts so often hit me right in the heart. Yes, loneliness is ever present despite the good friends and boyfriends and surrounding of people. Loneliness knows me though, better than anyone else.
‘Loneliness knows me though, better than anyone else.’
Like!
Yes. Quite often. And when I start to feel like that, I either put in a sappy chick flick, or I start searching for my next vacation (even if I don’t go on one!) It takes my mind off of my troubles, and then I start to feel better.
But there are definitely ‘woe is me, I’m lonely’ days, and I find that some days it’s hard to get through them, as most times I just want to crawl back in bed.
All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?
Eleanor Rigby:
Oof. I struggle with this one a lot. Thankfully, in recent weeks I’ve just thrown myself into as many projects as I can manage and the whole concept of coming home and knowing what I’m doing with my spare time? It sounds so little, but the difference in how I feel is amazing. I hope this passes quickly <3
I so identify with this post. There have been times in the past few years that even though I’m surrounded by people every day (I think we have something around 2-3 million in Chicago and 8 million in the Chicagoland area), I feel SO alone. There’s an anonymity to big cities. Growing up in a small town, I craved that and now I have it. The loneliness that came with it was a surprise. When it sets up shop and visits me again, I always tend to find the cause is that I’ve fallen out of touch with other people in my life. I feel loneliest when I no longer feel CONNECTED to a person/people emotionally. Whether that’s a boyfriend or a friend or a family member. In times like those, I just wanted someone to hug me. Really HUG me. You know?
I guess the best I can offer you in your current lonely state is virtual hugs.
I totally get what you are saying. And not to make light of it, BUT I think when that’s all you “see” when you look out in the world and it’s all you “think”, then that’s what you will believe.
Hang in there – look at all the things you HAVE.
= )
This is Molly’s material. I get back late Thursday night so… late brunch/ drinks Friday?
I will make notes in the mean-time for there is much to say.
And yes, your blog is a bit (re: incredibly) fabulous.
I’m lonely too, Hope.
It’s kinda reassuring to read that so many feel the same way I used to feel… the same way I sometimes feel now. I don’t remember if someone told me this or I read it somewhere, but the crux is, if you like yourself, you’ll never be lonely. It has taken me 5 years to work on that statement to make it come true. Because now I am no longer satisfied with like, I want to LOVE myself.
Also what helps is talking to other real people and letting them know I need them. I need them to understand and not giving up till they do. It’s difficult and sometimes I lose focus but hey just keep swimming… :)
If nothing else, you know we are here for you, Hope. Have a great weekend!
Oh, I am lonely… But there are different kinds of lonely. There are the mornings when I wake up and fear the day because I’ll spend it alone. There are moments when I am in the company of people I love and adore and feel that I don’t really fit in. And then there is the kind of lonelyness, which leaves you time to think about how utterly grateful you are for your life – and you can really “marinade” in your happiness when you’re alone, without any distractions.
I would be honoured, yes, really, HONOURED if you read it to Jason! In fact, I’ll fix it up for you to be more child-friendly. Hm, children’s book?
It was easy to write… I do love the Moon.
I’m just visiting here for the first time, but wanted to respond because of the simple truth of your writing.
I too am alone most of the time, and I love it. (No, I’m not telling you to buck up!) Possibly I love it because of having gone through years of the hideous loneliness that comes from living intimately with someone who makes you hate yourself.
Possibly also from being more than half through a lifetime.
What to say? If you truly love yourself, and talk to yourself, and care for yourself, and entertain yourself, and most of all seek the truth of yourself, the pain of loneliness will be more bearable.
That truth of yourself is the great gift of being alone.
I am only lonely when surrounded by people… and only complete when I’m roaming the mountains, pushing the limits of endurance and escaping expectations.
I’m so glad you’re on Indie Ink. This is gonna totally rock! :)
I’ve spent my whole life coming and going, leaving behind the people I love, and the places I love. Loneliness follows everyone. It’s unavoidable and just a part of life. I guess what matters is how you handle the loneliness, whether it’s something you know is present and just acknowledge, or whether it’s something you allow to take over your life.
I’ve thought a lot about this lately. I come about this similarly and differently simultaneously. I have a life full of people that love me. I’ve been married for 18 yrs to a man that loves me and treats me well. I have a job that I go to where people look to me for instruction and inspiration. I have 3 children that adore me. I have 3 sisters and two brothers…that I genuinely like. I have 300plus Facebook friend and I have only made MAYBE 20 friend requests. They all chose me. Some are people I know…in my everyday life…and some are virtual strangers…but EVERYDAY I have at least one person…sometimes more…tell me that they love me…or that they wish they could be more like me…or that I am beautiful. When I make a post or status update on FB…and I make about 4 on average a day…it never goes without a comment. Strangers stop me to compliment me in stores.
I think people mistake the word loneliness for being alone. I’m living proof that this is not the case. At times, I am surrounded by people…yet the overwhelming feeling of loneliness is almost more than I can bear. Unfortunately…loneliness does not discriminate. Loneliness is an equal opportunity pain that wraps its cold arms around every living person at some point in their lives. I’m beginning to think that rather than struggling to release myself from it…I should in turn embrace my loneliness back…and learn something from it.
Its funny how woman are always wanting to get married and have children and build a family and men are running as fast as they can in the other direction BUT if only they could read your post and see that they will end up all alone and very lonely!
ok that was a bit random…but the truth is that most people are extremely lonely and thats why social media has errupted into this huge succesful business. So i say all lonely people should unite together! :)
cant you just tell from this comment i’ve been alone for a long time….
Keep up the good work, I like your writing.
i am surrounded so much of the time and still so lonely. as of late, i think my lack of time alone has made it worse.
yesterday i decided i would try and embrace my loneliness.