Minutes
23 Feb
There are minutes–neatly spaced between fun-filled seconds and productive hours–when it physically hurts to be alone.
I know this because I feel it. First it comes as a breathless, stabbing pain in my chest. Then it descends to my gut as if I’ve just been pushed out from an airplane without a parachute. It is at once painful and terrifying.
There are minutes where I believe that this is the way it will be. Period. I will live a life of quiet, peaceful unfulfillment. It is at once a choice and a resolution. But mostly its a defense. A wall I’m building around the disappointed fragments of my heart (and mind).
And yet there are minutes where I feel so hopeful that I almost shed actual fucking tears. This optimism that I will find a person that will love me seems so incredible to me. Because ordinarily I believe in evidence based facts. And I have absolutely no evidence to suggest that I will. These unfailing minutes of faith feel at once beautiful and delusional.
These lonely minutes are usually few and far in-between. Some weeks pass without a single minute. Other times, there will be days filled with countless of these minutes.
Today was one of those days. Today I felt all one thousand four hundred and forty minutes of painful, terrified, beautiful and delusional loneliness.
I can’t tell you how much these words sink into me, feeling very familiar like an old, worn coat. I so, so, so know how you feel.
It’s like it actually hurts to hope. It’s easier not to. It’s easier to be bitter and negative about it. It’s easier to not care. Hoping is hard, but I keep hoping because maybe the pain means it will be worth it and I will reap the reward of it, instead of being unfeeling and lackadaisical about it, rolling through life and pretending I don’t care and I don’t want it when I care about it more than anything and I want nothing more.
Great post,today. As always you’ve stirred deep thoughts within me, things I have had buried for a long time and are bubbling to the surface. Good thing I am ready to deal with them!:)
Aw, hugs for you Internet friend. I have one suggestion. It’s something I am doing now and at first I thought it was nuts, but it’s changing my life in ways I never imagined. Calling in “The One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. There is a book and a seminar and a website I’m sure you could google. If it resonates, cool, if not no worries. Lots of love to you, Hope. (I know that’s your alias, but I can’t that out of my head as your name!)
ditto..
You pulled the words right out of my own heart – thank you for articulating this.
xo
Yes, thank you for articulating this. It always amazes me to read something like this from someone else when it is exactly what I’m feeling and thinking.
big hugs hope! its such a horrible, empty feeling just gnawing away inside your head and pulsating at your heart. i can totally relate to this post. But the great thing is hope, that you’re so emotionally aware – you’re able to recognise your feelings and react to it. I know so many people who would never in a million years admit to those feelings (anonymously or to friends) or who are not even aware why they’re feeling that way. I salute your openess and admire your honesty. You’re going to make someone very happy my dear, for that there is no doubt!!
But but…your blog is called “Hope Dies Last.” That was my poor attempt at some kind of humor. In all seriousness though, and I relize it’s of little consolation, we all feel lonely from time to time. Some of feel that way more often than not in fact. It’s crazy to say this, but I’ve seen truth to it firsthand. Sometimes accepting that loneliness is okay and exactly when you find/someone finds you. It’s almost like you stop trying so hard and are just happy being you. Or something like that.
Anyway, I had a kind reader (Ames at http://smileandtheworld.blogspot.com) once comment very sweetly when I felt like giving up that she’d hold my hope for me until I could feel it on my own again. She was there and kept it for me and I’ll keep hope for you. :)
Science and faith are not contradictory. Actually, you always need faith first when pioneering a new area, where no evidence exists yet…
So keep the faith.
Beautifully written as usual.
OMFG. Can we please, please, PLEASE trade places for a day or two? I would kill for that much alone time!!!
You wait. One day you will be married, with kids, and you will run across this post – or another one like it – and you will say, ‘how the hell could I not appreciate, savor and soak up every last second of that blissful solitude and quiet?’ Marks my words.
There’s no evidence to prove that you will be alone either, you know! Plus, you’re 28. According to Sex and the City, we have until our mid to late thirties to settle down. Plenty of time!
hi, so i was just googling delicious design studio to see if anyone has had complaints with them – and i found your post! ahhh, it’s so frustrating! i have emailed her like 20 times in the last three months demanding my money back – and nothing! i’m so frustrated, and i was considering going through the BBB but it sounds like it’s not worth my time?! are you aware of anything else going on in effort to find a solution? it bothers me so much that the new owners are so unhelpful. they’re probably not even “new owners” – idk.
anyway, thanks for posting your experience.
This gave me goosebumps and that is not easy to do.
Sometimes you run across a post on someone else’s blog and you suddenly realize you’re not alone. None of us are. Thank you for this post.
Loneliness will pass- as long as you know that you’re never really alone, and that there are so many people who care about you.
It’s okay to be sad sometimes.
Oh, man. I know what you mean. Thank you for this.
Double ditto.. xo
I fell in love with your blog today….your words resonate with me on such a level im having a hard time believing these are your words and not my own….beautiful, absolutely brilliant…. i feel a little less lonely, even if its only for this moment… thank you<3