After you have crossed a line you feel you cannot go back to a time when you hadn’t. You cannot un-learn what you have learned and you cannot undo what has been done. Since you’re already going to hell, you figure ‘What the hell, I might as well carry on.’ Especially when you really want to. And then your mind will come up with all sorts of justifications to let you do it. ‘I deserve to be happy too.’ You ignore the little voice that replies, ‘Yes. But does it have to be at some other person’s expense?’ You want to jump into the deep end of darkness (or is it lightness? You can’t really tell the difference) and you want to live in denial. His head is stuck in the sand and you want to join him there. But you can’t because your head is always up, floating in the clouds. You know what the right thing to do is, but one minute you don’t care because what if this is the right thing? And the next minute you do care and and you know that you know right from wrong and you promise yourself that you will not move away from the crossed line. Then he calls and leaves an epic voice mail just to cheer you up and you want to believe that it is friendly but you feel that its not. So you stay away until you can’t stay away anymore. And then you hope that you will be able to restrain and restrain and restrain yourself from crossing that line a second time. Because the first time could–technically–be justified as an honest mistake. But the second time? That would be a choice. A conscious, deliberate choice.
And how would you ever find a way to justify that?
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if my opinion counts I say don’t do it….
it sounds like you would beat yourself up about it after the fact
I think once the line has been crossed once it is even more dangerous and easier to be crossed again than if it never was crossed, but we always have a choice. When it comes to fighting between what you want/what you feel and your logic it’s not easy coz you dont know which one to trust at least I know I can get confused with which one. x
After reading this one, I kind of took it the other way. I think that (the guy/ the “illict” situation) is what you want, but you NEED is something better, something honest, something to call your own. You need that fundamentally and you deserve it. Don’t settle for less than that. And don’t enable him to keep you for having something more.
Sounds like you already know that though.
I saw this quote once (i wish i could remember where):
“Relationships don’t always have to take a turn for the worst. Oh there’ll be bad days, that’s for sure. But the good days, those days will make you feel things that you just can’t really replicate, can’t really describe. So don’t get lost in the crowd of people who haven’t yet recovered from a bad break-up. They’ll make it out, just give them time. But don’t lose hope either. It isn’t fair to predict your own fate based on the past of others.”
— Scarlett Rourke
I feel like this applies in this case, swap out the word break-up with relationship. Really it was the last line that struck me. It isn’t fair to make yourself suffer (guilt) over a situation you have no control over (his relationship).
Good luck, what ever you decide will be easier said than done. & don’t beat yourself up if you waver.
A guy just kissed me tonight. and I let him. I let him kissed me, after I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let such event happen to me again. I can see he’s a commitment-phobe like me. Thus I know the kiss doesn’t mean a thing. I don’t know why too Hope. Why we are victims to our own impulses?
You just summed up my life for the past two years. I made a mistake, a shameful mistake. But I liked it so much I turned it into a choice, and it’s a choice I’m still living with.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.
It may be what you want right now, and I’ve been there, but you are also choosing to want to be “the piece on the side”. Which in my opinion wasn’t good enough for me, and is not good enough for you as well.
If he crosses that line with you again, your “that girl”, not relationship girl. I say, let him try to cross the line and get satisfaction in knowing that he wants you, but don’t respond to his solicitations.
Don’t do it. You’ll just be the “other” girl. What does that say abt his character? You are actually going to let him have you AND her? And even if he did leave her for you, what’s to say he won’t leave you for someone else?
Unless, what you want is a strictly physical relationship with no strings attached. Even than, you need to take his girlfriend into consideration since he clearly doesn’t. Don’t be the “other” woman. Don’t be with a coward.
You’re worth far more than that. Or so I hope.
This is a rough situation. It’s hard to go against what you want. But, do you REALLY want this? I def. do not judge you…but I want you to consider how this will effect your own feelings in the end. You deserve better!!
I don’t see much of a difference between wanting and needing. What you need easily becomes what you want and vice versa. That is the only justification possible for your question. Whichever way you try and look at it, I think our natural instinct to fulfill a want or a need will always prevail before conscience [or whatever else you can call it.] Everything’s fair in love and in war, right? But I think that there is always a moment when we stop and say “I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it”. There are the kind of people who give in to it, and the kind that resist it. Everything that comes through this blog to your readers suggests that you’re not that kind of girl. Don’t do it.
I aodre your writing.
Do it. You will learn more from the error than from the inevitable wishing you had.
I needed to read this today. Especially this:
“After you have crossed a line you feel you cannot go back to a time when you hadn’t. You cannot un-learn what you have learned and you cannot undo what has been done. Since you’re already going to hell, you figure ‘What the hell, I might as well carry on.’ Especially when you really want to. And then your mind will come up with all sorts of justifications to let you do it. ‘I deserve to be happy too.’ You ignore the little voice that replies, ‘Yes. But does it have to be at some other person’s expense?’”
It cuts right to the core. I just, it just…life is so hard sometimes and all I can think about is running away and starting all over again.
it definitely is a choice to cross the line the second time. and i was ALWAYS the girl who said “i will never ever get with another girl’s boyfriend”. However, I did do it once, not long ago. He wasn’t married, had no kids, was unhappy in his relationship. I felt guilty and I told him if he didn’t want to be with her they should break up. I gave it a time limit…if he was still with her in a month I wouldn’t see him anymore. 2 weeks later he broke up with her and never looked back.
I know cheating is never the right thing to do, but sometimes it doesn’t always end in you being the other woman or being used. It wasn’t my idea of the fairytale beginning of a relationship, but my last relationship started with him cheating on his gf with me. We are in love, meant to be, perfect for each other, the loves of each others lives, etc etc. did it start out perfect? no. but that doesn’t mean it can’t end that way.
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