Illicit
11 Feb
My eyes are closed and my head is spinning from one too many vodkas. He is sitting on the edge of my bed waiting. I’m not sure for what exactly. I can feel him stand up and then sit back down. I mutter, ‘You’re drunk. Sleep on the futon.’ He stands up again. Then he sits back down and whispers, ‘I have to go.’ The disparity between words and action confuses me but I don’t have any time to question it because suddenly his lips are on mine.
My entire body wakes up. It is unexpected. But inevitable. I want this. I want this desperately. But I don’t kiss back. My lips are numb.
He has a girlfriend.
He stops. He stands up. Then immediately sits back down. And the only words I can think of saying are, ‘You cannot do this.’
But it is pointless. He kisses me again. And this time I give in. I kiss him back. It is a slow and curious kiss. Our tongues search for an answer to a question that remains elusive. He strokes my hair with one hand and with his other he cups my chin to meet his lips. He whispers ‘Dammit. You are so lovely‘ into my mouth and my mouth catches his words and I swallow them whole. It is wrong and I know it. He is not mine to kiss. His compliments are not mine to receive. His face is not mine to stroke.
Just as unexpectedly as it started, it ends. My eyes are closed and my head is spinning from one too many illicit kisses. I hear my front door close softly. He is gone. I am alone.Everything is as it was.
Except now I know that I am weak enough to cross lines that I shouldn’t.
as a girlfriend, i should curse you for that. but it’s human.
Thank you for not cursing. It is much appreciated.
Powerful post, Hope. That kind of weakness is terrible. I’ve been there. It sucks.
It is human, being conscious of something being wrong should be enough but it is not sometimes and our actions betray us. Over tha past year I have crossed lines that I never thought I would. xx
And how else are we supposed to become strong? How else are we supposed to learn what we think is wrong and what we think is right?
don’t be too hard on yourself. One too many vodka’s and a man you like coming on to you like that, is a combination terribly hard to resist. Feel bad for the girlfriend though.
poor girlfriend. to err is to be human but man…what a jerk. thx 4 sharing.
Oh, Hope. I feel so frustrated because every time you post something like this, I have an insatiable urge to read more. And more. And more. You are addictive, just so you know.
Thank god I’m not the only one weak enough to cross lines I shouldn’t. I’m STILL crossing lines I shouldn’t in this exact way. I’m a bad person. I accept this about myself, and while they say acceptance is the first step to recovery, I’m far, far away from quitting.
Thank you for sharing this.
You’re not a bad person. You have a conscience. Be glad :)
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much – you said yourself, too many vodkas and he initiated. Maybe not your most shining moment, but not unforgivable.
xo
I think most of us would be lying if we said we hadn’t given into a moment of weakness once or twice.
I know *I* have…
As one of my best guy friends has said when he’s lured a woman to cheat, it’s not your problem really. He’s in the relationship. Not you. However, what I try to keep in mind, w/out passing judgement mind you, is I always ask myself if I find myself near a line like that – and I have been so I get it – Do I want to be second? No. Absolutely not. And also, how would I feel if I were his girlfriend/wife and he was crossing lines w/ someone else? Shitty. It only takes two questions. And really, should only take the last one. I know it’s tough, but help a sister out and put yourself in her shoes.. You do deserve to be happy.. but doesn’t she as well? Just saying..
Oh man. I have been the girlfriend in this situation, who found out about it later. And it sucks. And I have wanted to hate the girl who was the “other” woman. But ultimately, it is not her (read: your) responsibility to keep him from making the choice to stray.
I do agree, however, with the commenter that said you deserve to be someone’s #1, not someone’s #2. You deserve all that and more! Live and learn.