Monthly Archives: January 2010

Free

Posted on January 11, 2010 by Eleni Zoe| 12 Comments

A little before Christmas I was chatting to an acquaintance, when her gaze rose above my head and her smile broadened. I did not need to move at all to know it was him. Twenty minutes earlier I had whispered to A, ‘I have a feeling he’s going to be here tonight. And that he’ll be with a woman.’

It was all said in a hushed, conspiratorial tone; I did not want The Universe to hear me and then reward me with my very own self-fulfilling prophecy. There are times when all I want is to be is right. And then there are times when I want to be as wrong as torture. This was one of those times. I jumped from my rented seat at their table and turned to face his enigmatic smile. Was this the mischievous grin of a player? Was it the uncomfortable smirk of a nice guy in an awkward spot? I don’t know.

(I don’t even know the reason I am analyzing a smile.Oh wait I do. Because I can.)

‘Where are you going?’ he asked.

‘Back to my table so that you can sit.’ [Singular. I refused to acknowledge the tall, leggy, blond, red lipped warm blooded woman standing directly next to him.]

I returned to my side of the bar and quickly decided that my only mission for the next hour would be to not look in his direction. I was successful for exactly one minute and 34 seconds. My self-control is NOT what legends are made of. I dropped a paper cut thin glance at him. At the exact same moment, he dropped an even more casual, sideways glance at me.

Hook

Line

Sinker.

To say that his split second acknowledgment of me meant nothing would be a big, fat lie. Emboldened and uncharacteristically confident, I returned to his table ten minutes later. I conversed happily with our mutual acquaintance. I bantered with him–as we did during our entire affair. A pair of rams butting heads. Knowing that his attention was now reserved for another woman,  our past and present clashes felt playful not pathological. Up close his shiny lady-friend was less attractive than I had initially thought. To say that made me feel better would also be a big, fat lie. It didn’t. She is a woman; I am a girl. She has him; I don’t.

Without much fanfare, it dawned on me. All this time I have been avoiding, fighting, denying. I’m certain that you all probably know where I am going with this. This is how blind-spots work. Everyone else sees clearly except for the driver.

I fell in love with this man.

That night in bed I cried; a short drizzle but a cry nonetheless. It wasn’t a cry spurred on by pain, or jealousy, or unrequited want. They weren’t tears of self-pity or of desperation; of unfairness or frustration.

These were, at long last, farewell tears. A final nail in the coffin of not meant to be.

And with that I was free.

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Posted in on love & romance, on self-discovery

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Complex

Posted on January 8, 2010 by Eleni Zoe| 13 Comments

When I was a kid I assumed that love was easy.

I thought that when I reached a certain age–like twenty–I would meet a boy, fall in love and live happily ever after. Then my father was killed and overnight I learned that love wasn’t straightforward at all. I learned that love lasts and even transcends life but love also hurts when the object of love is no longer there. For several years, my assumed life story altered slightly to include this fatalistic addition. Meet a boy, fall in love, live happily, he dies, I still love.

When I was in my early twenties I assumed that love would eventually come.

I thought that when I reached a certain age–twenty-five–I would meet a man, fall in love and (timing willing) have a long-term relationship. Then my boyfriend dumped me and I learned that I knew nothing about love. Love was a word to use in a moment. It was so meaningful that it became meaningless. Two years ago, my re-assessed life story was that I was not likely to meet my great love. (This was a relief because there was no chance of him dying on me.)

Now in my late twenties, l have no assumptions about love. I’ve made an ass of myself so many times that I’ve lost count.  I have no knowledge on love. I’m plain clueless.

All I know is that as a kid I thought it would be easy. I never expected that the road to love–or to like even–would be this complicated. I didn’t expect that there would be this many false starts. I didn’t expect that intentions could be shrouded in so much mystery that the process of finding love, once as exciting to me as the art of creation, would become a mathematical equation of mythical proportions. One that is frustrating and exhausting. The sheer number of variables in the theory of love are limitless.

And I’m no scientist.

I’m only a woman wishing that it could be a little simpler.

For everyone.

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35 in 2009

Posted on January 2, 2010 by Eleni Zoe| 4 Comments

A new year cannot really feel like a new year until the previous year has been dissected, right? So here it is. 2009. (2008 can be found here)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

I refused to stay down. I refused to give up.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t remember making any resolutions per se. I did have a list of things that I wanted to do. I didn’t do all of them. I’m just going to have to add them to my 2010 list. I may not be a closer, but I’m definitely stubborn.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My sister. Nephew Number 2 smiles all the time and is just as adorable as Nephew Number 1.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Knock on wood.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. None. None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A BOYFRIEND. DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE? SHEESH COME ON. ITS JUST GETTING RIDICULOUS NOW.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

August 17th, 2009. I was dumped. I cried. It sucked. And then life carried on as usual.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally–after three years back in Greece–I got a social life. I’m hoping that this will continue in 2010.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being able to get on that plane.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes and yes. Crohn’s blah blah blah.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A pair of black Uggs! (This summer I may even buy a pair of Crocs. I kid, kids.)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The blogosphere for this and then this.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Jessica Bailey or the (con) artist formerly known as Delicious Design Studio

14. Where did most of your money go?

To doctors again. For both physical and mental ailments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Him

16. What song will always remind of you 2009?

A song I discovered through Ashalah at 11:20 p.m on December 31st, 2009.

(Thanks lovely lady! It made my New Year’s Eve all that more special!)

17. Compared to this time last year, are:

a)happier or sadder?

b)thinner or fatter?

c) richer or poorer?

Happier, thinner and [still] poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercise. Actually, I don’t wish I’d done more of it; I wish I’d actually done it.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying. This was a real sob-fest of a year.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes. And lets not speak of it again.

21. What was your favourite TV program?

A really, really tough category. I’m a TV whore. So I’m just going to go with the one I watched the most: The Daily Show.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t hate anyone; not even my soul mate’s new girls. (Yes, plural. I’m a TV whore and my soul mate is a man whore. Fucker.) Although, Glenn Beck would definitely go on really fucking gets on my nerves list.

23. What was the best book you read?

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

This was a quiet year. I don’t think I discovered any new music. Care to remedy that for me now?

25. What did you want and get?

A new friend who I heart.

26. What did you want and not get?

*Cough*Boyfriend*Cough* UNIVERSE I’M STILL LOOKING AT YOU.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?

(500) Days of Summer

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I honestly don’t remember because I think I was having a wee bit of a breakdown. I turned 28.

29. How you would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Quirky-sexy. Is that even possible? Well if it is, I think I’ve mastered it.

30. What kept you sane?

My mother.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Stewart. (Woot! Two years in a row!)

32. Who did you miss?

The Best Friend and my Sister From Another Mother. (Boo! Two years in a row!)

33. Who was the best new person you met?

The ever lovely, Miss A.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Fools rush in and fuckers rush out. Be a fool. At least, it sounds better.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“I got a feeling that tonight is going to be a good night” | Black Eyed Peas.

Unfortunately, it always just stayed as a feeling.

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