Tapestry
21 Jan
In the last year, two men threaded their way in and out of my life.
January’s man was a mistake but for all the right reasons. He was interesting, so funny and sensitive. We were friends, we got along famously and are still friends now. From the very beginning, I could sense (but never quite put into words) that the major reason he wanted me was because I was there . At the end, I realized that the reason I let him into me was for the same exact reason. Loneliness, I have found, is a force that can override all our real wants, our most wishful desires. We can convince ourselves that this will do because the alternative–long, unforgiving nights–is terrifying.
July’s man was a mistake because he was right on paper. He appeared–at first glance–as available, smart, honest, and smitten by me. According to the signs issued by He’s Just Not That Into You this man was. He called. He wanted to see me. All the time. He stocked his fridge with all of my favourite things. He introduced me to his friends and family. He used the future tense. The fact that he had only recently ended a four year relationship did not register in my mind. Perhaps I didn’t want to believe that I was only a rebound.
In this dating tapestry, these men share common threads.
- The black thread that binds them together is that none of them wanted me for me. February’s man wanted me because I was available. July’s man wanted me to ease himself back into dating.
- The white thread that binds them together is that both told me that I am far too approachable, far too available. ‘You should be more of a bitch.’ ‘Harder to catch.’ I figure this was code for DESPERATE. But, the truth is that I am far more hungry for honesty in a relationship than power. If I like you, if I want you, if I think you’re worth my time? I’m not going to make you jump through hoops. I respected these men, why would I treat them like show dogs?
- The red thread that binds them together is that they perceived my complexity as a weakness; some kind of deterrent. The reality is that I’m a three dimensional person looking for a man that will find that insanely irresistible.
- The green thread that binds them together is that directly after me they both went on dating sprees and are now in relationships with other women.
In this tapestry of dating, I feel like the stitched loner in the far left corner; unnoticeable and forgotten. But in the last month I have had a chance to reflect over last year’s men.
I am not desperate. If I were I’d also be in a relationship right now. I don’t jump into relationships to keep the nights of pain, of confusion, frustration and loneliness away. I am available. I cannot pretend that I’m not because men are attracted to unattainable women. I am still single. Disappointed, bitter and a little jaded but I refuse to accept that this will be the tapestry of my life. I may not have what my men of 2009 have. But I am the strong one.
I am the thread that refuses to unravel.
What does your dating tapestry look like?
Very well said….and I can certainly relate. I just dated someone like your Mr. July, and am now smacking myself in the head for falling into that trap, yet again. But, oh well. There’s always something around the corner, for both of us. Fingers crossed that it’s a good one this time.
Effing Google Reader keeps pulling up your old blog address. Having trouble getting it to recognize the new web addy. Just letting you know – I’ll keep working on it.
I couldn’t applaud you more for your words in this post. You know who you are and what you want. The men you’ve met weren’t it…they may have appeared to be, may have encouraged you to think so, but they weren’t. Realizing you don’t want to help “sew” that tapestry anymore is not only understandable but mature. It’s a level of self-realization that most people never achieve until after their divorce. See? I’m a bit (or a lot) jaded too.
There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’d rather be alone than settle for more of the same.” That’s where the start of 2009 found me. I had had enough. All I seemed to find were unattainable men. Men who played games emotionally, strung me along, put on an act of being more than they were. I too have always been the “available” one and it’s a heartbreaking and belittling process to go through.
I decided to opt out of the game they were playing and stopped looking. Then, a reader found me. Uncertain at first, I’ve been with him now for nearly a year, and in that time he’s shown me that all I’ve known is not all there will be for me.
After reading your post today, I feel certain that what you have known will also not be all you will ever know. There is attainability and honesty and commitment out there for you as well. Keep putting out who you are and it will come back to you.
You’re brave to be able to fail, pick yourself up and try again. Your brave to not be afraid of love even though shitty things happen. I’m not like that. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who completely ripped apart my heart and my life, cheated on me, hit me, and then claimed to love me, and for a year and a half, I was afraid to get up and leave. And then one day, the new year came rolling round, and I refused to be THAT girl anymore. And I packed my bags, changed my number, my email, and moved to another country. One year later, I found someone new, and he pieced together my whole life again. Love takes time. The right guy takes time. And you’ll find him, or he’ll find you. I seriously believe it.
‘I am the thread that refuses to unravel.’
Fucking love it.
I just love this. It is poignant and honest and true.
My dating tapestry is made up of a hundred different and mismatched colors, and is full of holes and shotty workmanship. I should probably work on that…
just wanna let you know that i really like reading your blog. it’s like reading about my experiences through the words of another person. thanks for letting me feel like im not alone :)
very well- said…
‘can relate too much. ‘can’t hold back the tears…