Free
11 Jan
A little before Christmas I was chatting to an acquaintance, when her gaze rose above my head and her smile broadened. I did not need to move at all to know it was him. Twenty minutes earlier I had whispered to A, ‘I have a feeling he’s going to be here tonight. And that he’ll be with a woman.’
It was all said in a hushed, conspiratorial tone; I did not want The Universe to hear me and then reward me with my very own self-fulfilling prophecy. There are times when all I want is to be is right. And then there are times when I want to be as wrong as torture. This was one of those times. I jumped from my rented seat at their table and turned to face his enigmatic smile. Was this the mischievous grin of a player? Was it the uncomfortable smirk of a nice guy in an awkward spot? I don’t know.
(I don’t even know the reason I am analyzing a smile.Oh wait I do. Because I can.)
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘Back to my table so that you can sit.’ [Singular. I refused to acknowledge the tall, leggy, blond, red lipped warm blooded woman standing directly next to him.]
I returned to my side of the bar and quickly decided that my only mission for the next hour would be to not look in his direction. I was successful for exactly one minute and 34 seconds. My self-control is NOT what legends are made of. I dropped a paper cut thin glance at him. At the exact same moment, he dropped an even more casual, sideways glance at me.
Hook
Line
Sinker.
To say that his split second acknowledgment of me meant nothing would be a big, fat lie. Emboldened and uncharacteristically confident, I returned to his table ten minutes later. I conversed happily with our mutual acquaintance. I bantered with him–as we did during our entire affair. A pair of rams butting heads. Knowing that his attention was now reserved for another woman, our past and present clashes felt playful not pathological. Up close his shiny lady-friend was less attractive than I had initially thought. To say that made me feel better would also be a big, fat lie. It didn’t. She is a woman; I am a girl. She has him; I don’t.
Without much fanfare, it dawned on me. All this time I have been avoiding, fighting, denying. I’m certain that you all probably know where I am going with this. This is how blind-spots work. Everyone else sees clearly except for the driver.
I fell in love with this man.
That night in bed I cried; a short drizzle but a cry nonetheless. It wasn’t a cry spurred on by pain, or jealousy, or unrequited want. They weren’t tears of self-pity or of desperation; of unfairness or frustration.
These were, at long last, farewell tears. A final nail in the coffin of not meant to be.
And with that I was free.
Beautifully said.
oh! I need that.
‘Paper cut thin.’ Well that’s just fabulous. Here’s another fabulous quote: ‘Free at least, free at last. God almighty, I’m free at last.’
Rather appropriate for this time of year too.
Ooh (yes, O-O-H), one more quote: ‘Their loss.’
We’re awesome.
Wow what a picturesque description. I am wishing you that this feeling of finally being free lasts with you for a long time, till you meet somebody who you can really give yourself to.
PS: I think I should have my own tag. Because
(a) I am awesome
(b) That’s how I roll
(c) Both of the above
sometimes, words fail…. but you said it all, Hope, you said it all.
Closure – it’s about as good as it’s going to get. Crying can be so…freeing.
Usually a silent reader. But this post was too perfectly crafted for me not to comment. And the subject matter was just lovely.
Bravo, Hope!
Lucky. I’m slightly seething with jealousy.. but crossing fingers I feel that one day soon too.. congrats!
Oh I know those tears! The very same. I finally shared a farewell dinner with my ex of five years nearly two years after our break up. And after, I too, ended up in tears in bed that night alone. But it was right. And it was done.
I hope that the closure it has given you helps you to find new happinesses. I really do.
Beautifully written. Poignant.
My ex, whom I loved and who thought loved me (and who, even further, I thought I was going to marry and have children with) literally disappeared when I received the most difficult news I’ve had in a while (that if I want children, I need to do so now… My time is up, and it may already be too late). Anyway, I never thought I could be so shocked by someone I loved. Wrong.
Sometimes it’s good to have that long goodbye cry.
WOW… just WOW…