As a professional writer, I have quickly had to learn not to take negative feedback personally. I openly ask my clients to tell me whether the tone I have used, whether the words I have chosen are the right ones for their needs. In our correspondence, I usually say: “Tell me what you hate and I’ll change it.” It works well. They’re happy and my ego remains intact.
As a personal blogger, the same learning curve has been steeper. It’s a challenge not to take comments personally. After all, these aren’t about style but rather about content. And when the content is gut wrenching personal, well, it takes a certain type of backbone not to care. But I have learned that when it comes to spilling my truths; sometimes I get it wrong. I don’t express it clearly enough. I am misunderstood. Or rather because I choose to expose a narrow version of my life, I misrepresent myself.
The letter I wrote in the post below was not received in the spirit I had intended. Hope’s comeback post to the blogosphere was an epic failure.
Besides the crickets that reverberated across my blog’s walls I also received two comments that first confused me and then hurt me.
My intentions were to show a fleeting moment of emotion. In my first hand experience (and second hard experience) of relationships, I have observed that there are some past flames that months, even years later still manage to unnerve us. We run into them on an arbitrary day that has been pleasantly wonderful. We run into them and without any warning our minds flood with old emotions; as if not a single day has passed.They are different yet they are the same. That grip they had on you is not there anymore but if you wanted to, you could dream. You could fall in love with them again. For they are still the same and because they are still the same you think, ‘I could be with this person’. It is night and it is cold and you are wearing your favourite jeans and reality and practicality are slaves to the day.
My intentions were to show what that short emotional journey could look and sound like; a completely private inner turmoil between head and heart. I had hoped that someone out there could relate to that.
In the absence of that, I keep having to remind myself that the fact that I need to explain all of this now only means that I failed as a writer; I did not fail as a human being.
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You haven’t failed one bit, pickle. Just because someone doesn’t understand, doesn’t mean that you didn’t explain yourself properly. I am so much more compassionate than Barney!!
Gah! Maybe, you’re right. To be fair, I can be overly sensitive sometimes. Perhaps, I need a chill pill?
Yes, but this sensitivity is also the source of our strength. Add a chill pill to your growing collection of meds, sure. By the way, I’m about to criticise your writing. You have been warned. Ready?
There shouldn’t be a comma after ‘perhaps’. Just a thought. If I wasn’t a writer, I think I’d make a kickass editor; ”Most editors are failed writers. Then again, so are most writers.”
Criticising my punctuation I can handle. I’ve never mastered the art of the comma. :)
i read each of your posts and i relate to them even if i don’t comment on them. some people are black and white, some people understand the grey…you didn’t fail =)
oops i posted under my family blog, this is the one i usually use
You are a beautiful writer, Hope. I had yet to see your last post (I’m slowly getting back into the blogosphere) but there is no failure on your part at all. People will always interpret things as they will. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes its great, but you wrote about how you felt, you opened up and that’s harder than putting it aside. I also can relate very well :)
(and I know the sound of crickets well. Since returning from my trip and changing blogs, I have a pretty empty blog!)
Eek! I keep forgetting to add your new blog to my reader. Correcting it now. The sound of crickets sucks!
Hope, you didn’t fail. Not as a writer. And definitely not as a human being. I didn’t mean to hurt you with what I said. I knew exactly what you meant. Truth be told, I saw myself in what you wrote. Every word. But you see, we can’t live in the shoulda,coulda, wouldas… I still have days where I do dream, even for a fleeting moment, that yeah, I could see myself with him again. But the reality is, it’s over. And that’s what sucks. I have loved every post you’ve written and don’t let an insensitive fool like me stop you from doing what you love.
xoxo
You’re not insensitive, darling. It’s just that sometimes I can be oversensitive. Even if they hurt me, I still read, appreciate all your comments. :)
For what it’s worth, I loved your last post. Partly because as a perennial single girl who got her heart trampled by unrequited love who won’t stay in the past, I can painfully relate to the situation and the emotions. And partly because your writing style conveyed perfectly what I’ve struggled to articulate.
Even the greatest writers have harsh critics. It doesn’t mean that they should cater to them.
Just as the fact that things didn’t work out between you and certain men doesn’t mean that you were doing anything wrong, the fact that not everyone can relate to your subject choice or writing style doesn’t mean it’s “wrong.” Like men, there will be readers who “get” your blog, and those that don’t appreciate it. And it’s only the ones who appreciate you who are worth your time.
“Even the greatest writers have harsh critics. It doesn’t mean that you should cater to them.”
Best advice ever.
You know what? Even if what you wrote was about “that guy”…you’re getting it out in the open, and you’re talking about it, and that in itself is brave, honest, and true. Your readers aren’t the ones that have to be inside your head and heart each and every day. You are.
Write about those past loves and the emotions that are inevitably tied to them…if that helps you work it out, I’ll keep reading…and relating.
I like to think that getting it out and admitting that I feel those things IS honest too and does probably help me work them out. Thanks for understanding!
Well I’m a lurker… so I often relate, always enjoy, but rarely comment… sorry…
You don’t have to apologize for not commenting. But sometimes feedback is very much appreciated. Silence can be confusing. :)
So it seems that there is more that I have to teach you, tekno mou…
Oh and everyone here is right. And lovely! Am I supposed to be nicer to you now as well?
If you said exactly what you wanted to say in a post, then it was successful.
It doesn’t matter if all the comments missed the point. Or if there were no comments at all.
Do your thing. Don’t sweat the reactions by people.
More often than not, they (we) are just projecting anyway.
hope, i dont always comment but i always read you. like peter said (he’s smart, huh?)… if you got out what you wanted to, the post got done what it needed to. some people just arent going to get it all of the time- and that’s okay.
you keep writing- you’re a huge success to me.
Some people are just assholes. Some people are too cold. Some people just don’t get it. We all write posts that make us think “surely everyone will appreciate this” and we hear nothing. Then, sometimes we write posts that we think are boring, but it speaks to people. The blogosphere is unpredictable. I, for one, think you are a beautiful, gifted writer. I may not always comment, but I always, always read and appreciate.
Just a random thought from a reader in NY… I have been happily with someone for 3 years. I love him like crazy and know we’re headed for a solid future. Nevertheless I occasionally have these bizarre, detailed dreams about an ex-boyfriend who once meant everything to me. The dreams leave me shaken and a little thrown until I settle back into normalcy and realize I am happier now than I ever have been. It’s not weakness to have residual thoughts of someone for whom you once cared. You don’t need to “get over it.” Unless it’s interrupting your daily life and leaving you crippled and sad, it’s just a memory — just something that creeps in every now and again and, perhaps, throws you for a bit. Writing about it doesn’t make it any more real. So ignore those other comments – they were the ones who misunderstood you. They are the ones who failed to understand.
You didn’t fail! You were gut wrenchingly honest and some people simply can’t listen without judging. Thanks for writing. I know I’m here for you, regardless of the tone of your posts.
Lately all I can blog about is him. The man. Not because my life isn’t full, or nothing else goes on. But the only thing that inspires me to write is him – the good and bad.
And last night when I was blogging about him. Again. I thought of you. (I had not read this post but I had read the last.) And I decided it didn’t matter if this is what people want to read or not – it’s what I need to write.
Because I do not tire of your writing about love lost. I enjoy it b/c I enjoy your writing and see so much of myself in your words.
You know what? I just found your blog and I’m only a few posts in, but I love your writing. And sometimes, the only way to purge feelings and thoughts in your head – is to write them. Who gives a shit what other people say or think? If you need to express something, do it. I found the post in question to be far from fail.