All this time, I’ve thought I’ve been unlucky in love.
But the other night, as A and I got to chatting about boys I began to doubt this. Over rum (hers) and tea (mine) it was one particular conversation that got me thinking.
A: I’ve been single for a year and a half.
Me: Dude, I’ve been single for coming onto six years now.
A: No, but you dated Him.
Me: Yea, but he wasn’t my boyfriend.
A: But you dated him. I haven’t even met someone I’d be interested in dating in a year and a half.
And somehow in that one sentence she nailed the perpetual single girl’s main obstacle. (Of which I declare myself Supreme Leader; don’t take it away from me. It’s the only thing I’ve got.)
It’s not that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. It’s not that we have more issues than women who date more often or who have had more relationships than us.
Rather, the perpetual single girl’s problem is that we don’t date just to date. Let me explain. Unlike the average dater, we don’t go on dates to find a person we would like to date. No sirree. We first want to find the big love and only then do we want to date him.
For me to even consider going on a date, I need to feel that intense spark; an immediate body/soul/mind connection; the holy trinity of attraction. This chemistry of which I speak is not based on level of cuteness or similar interests or common values. The only way I can describe it is like this: Within a blink; I just know. This guy is special.
The Blink doesn’t happen very often. In my life–in all my life–the number of times that I have felt that level of intensity can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Four to be exact. The fact that I’ve only had two long-term relationships is actually promising. Fifty percent of the time The Blink is spot on.
All the other men; the crushes, the distractions, the mistakes? I didn’t feel The Blink. But I did feel The Boredom, The Loneliness and The Pressure. I felt all those things directly after the latest rejection.
And I very nearly decided to go against my basic nature and throw myself into dating–anyone; whoever asked; whoever showed a little bit of interest. For a couple of weeks there, I flirted with boys I knew I would never want; not even in a million blinks.
Over rum and tea with A, it occurred to me that I am not at all unlucky when it comes to love. Because the kind of love; the kind of relationship; the kind of date that I’m looking for is just not common.
I’m looking for the big type of love; the big relationship; the big date. The type of love that you blink and it just is. I’m looking for immediacy; for no choice but to love; for its hard but I can’t not love. I don’t want to but I have to love.
I’m not sure I’m even looking for it anymore. I don’t think that this big love I want is something you search for; in a bar with your patented single girl’s scan. Rather, it almost always just appears. A big date that turns into a big relationship that turns into a big love all at the same time.
The only thing I have to do (and you and you) is have my eye’s open; ready to blink.
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“The holy trinity of attraction” love it!
well, i totally agree with you .. if there was no spark .. there is no date ..
As a fellow member of the perpetual single girls club, I identity COMPLETELY with this post. I’ve gone through bouts of depression as my friends flit from relationship to relationship and I find myself STILL alone.
I’ve been told I’m too picky, that I’m not trying hard enough, and questioned relentlessly on why my relatively smart and pretty self never has a boyfriend. I’ve questioned myself – am I flawed? Or just too picky?
But, like you, I’m not interested in having a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I’ve felt what you describe as “the Blink” three times, and ultimately none of them have worked out.
This is longer than I planned, but all of this to say that: I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post, and every other post in this blog. Because it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, that it’s OKAY to be single, it’s OKAY to not settle.
I wish you all the best finding a blink that lasts! Until then, I love reading the pre-happily ever after story.
I am perpetually single, and while I have kinda-sorta-dated a few guys, I’ve been single for about 6 years now. I feel the same way as you in that I don’t date in order to find someone that I’d like to date. I wait till I feel “the Blink” and when it comes it completely blinds me to logic and rational, and I have gotten in this completely untenable situations and gotten hurt, but I couldn’t stop myself, because I had, as you described, no choice but to love.
I love reading your blog, because it makes so much sense to me. I’ve been on record saying that I’ve only “like-liked” maybe 3 guys in my whole life, and people act like that’s crazy, and that I’m obviously too picky, and that I need a new MO because it obviously isn’t working very well for me, but like you said, I am pretty sure that I am just not meant to do it any other way.
I believe in giving the good guys a chance… sparks can come & go. The deeper connection over time grows into the real thing.
“I believe in giving the good guys a chance… sparks can come & go. The deeper connection over time grows into the real thing.”
Very true. Whenever I picture the guy for me, he’s always perfect, even though there’s no such thing.
Heidi: The spark has nothing to do with the good guy or the bad guy. I didn’t imply that this type of attraction can only happen with an asshole. Two out of my four ‘spark’ moments have been with good guys. And I didn’t consider it giving them ‘a chance’ either. I wanted them. Period.
That’s the beauty of the Blink. It doesn’t discriminate. ;)
I always tell the Duke that if we broke up, I would be useless at dating. I just can’t do it. I have so many reasons I could not chance dating someone- he pops his collar, he uses text speak in emails, etc, etc.
big love.
very important. nothing else is worth it.
“i don’t want to but I have no choice”
big love.
that’s what we all look for.
This post was so well-written on so many levels; I was truly enchanted. You are immensely talented in writing. By the way, I would also be awful at “dating” – I’m a “big love” relationship kind of person as well :)
Agree with Heidi. I didn’t truly fall for my guy until 6 months in. It was well worth the chance and the time it took.
Five years here. And I couldn’t agree with your post anymore.
Long time lurker but I have to delurk to say… I love this post!!
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