Confession: Part Two

A little over three months ago, I confessed that I had not been on an airplane in two years.

As usual, you were all lovely and understanding and flooded my comment box with tips and stories and advice. I was ready to get on a plane and make the trip for my best friend’s engagement party.

Except, when the big day arrived,� I did not get on that plane.

I managed to get to the airport. I managed to wait in line. I managed to check in–while sobbing uncontrollably. But I never managed to even begin walking to the departure gate.� The Xanax didn’t work. Somehow, my panic was no match for the chemicals.My fear had paralyzed me.

The next 24 hours rank right up there with the most traumatic experiences of my life. In all my adult life, I have not� felt like such a failure as I did that day. In all my adult life, I have not felt less understood as I did on that day. Slowly, as the news trickled down to all the relevant people, my panic grew fiercer. The reactions were diverse. An overwhelming silence from the friends that were already on the island waiting to pick me up at the airport. Rage from my brother who believes in ‘tough love’. Anxiousness and guilt from my mother. My sister and The Best Friend were proud. “You fucking made it to the airport! You checked in! You took your first step!”

Over the course of the next month, which coincided with the first three weeks of my relationship with him, I self-medicated myself with Xanax every single day. I was chain smoking. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep without a pill.

I told no-one.

(I don’t recommend this strategy)

Sure, there were conversations had–here and there–about what happened. And all of them made me feel worse. He was a good distraction from all these things. My mind was filled with him; purposefully. If I allowed myself to not think of him I would have to deal with the plethora of guilt, disappointment and fear that I felt inside. What kind of person misses their best friend’s engagement? What kind of person can’t get on a plane? What kind of person can allow irrational fear to consume her in this way? But the one question that replayed itself over and over in my mind was the most frightening of all.

“Was this going to be my life for ever?”

I say I was at peace when I met him. And I was. But, beneath the peace was all of this. I was dealing with all of this while trying to begin a relationship. That it failed, therefore, is not surprising. That I broke down–completely–when it ended was inevitable.

I am not ashamed of my panic attack disorder or the depression. (The two seem to go hand in hand.)� But, I do hate it. It gets in my way. It ruins relationships–friendships and romances, it causes tension in my family and it stops me from living exactly the kind of life that I want to live. But, it is here. Over the last year, I have tried to avoid it while also trying to defeat it. After the troubling summer I had, I realized that I can’t avoid it. I can’t control it. I can’t defeat it without the proper tools. I learned that this is one battle that I have to face on my own. That those around me will never, really, understand it.� I learned that others will never really accept it.

These realizations were–and continue to be– isolating.

But, I know that I”m not alone. According to the UK’s National Health Service, at least 10% of the world’s population suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder. There are a lot of us out there. And so I wanted to put out part of my story. Its fragmented and all over the place, I know. But, its fragmented and all over the place in my head.

Perhaps, in time, I will be able to make sense of it; express it more eloquently. But for now, the admission that I am a phobic is all the sense I can make.

12 Responses to Confession: Part Two

Rachael | October 23, 2009 at 4:26 pm | Reply

You’re brave to lay it all out on the table. Keep your head high!
smidge | October 23, 2009 at 4:28 pm | Reply

I have just confessed to depression that i have been trying to hide for years.

This was before i read this, and i think i possibly could be as brave as you.. thanks for writing this
Georgia | October 23, 2009 at 6:31 pm | Reply

*raises hand* I suffer from depression and anxiety as well (I agree that they go hand in hand), but I’ve overcome a lot of my symptons in the past couple years and I really think anyone can with the right tools. Good medications, a good therapist, a happy relationship with a dude who understood my obsessivness. Eventually you’ll be able to see your anxiety as a quirk, not a hinderence. I do, and it feels amazing!
Tristan || the almost right word | October 23, 2009 at 10:06 pm | Reply

I’ll raise my hand with Georgia as well, and I’ll also add that I’ve come a long way with a good therapist, years of medication (which are now behind me, thankfully), understanding friends/family and personal growth. Uch. That sounds so cliche.

The main thing I want to say is that I wholeheartedly believe the actual statistics of people who suffer from anxiety and/or depression are much, much higher than 10%.

Also, writing little notes to myself that I proceed to stick on my wall, computer, etc., are very helpful. i.e. Have patience. There is no reason for you to feel uncomfortable.

Stuff like that. Also cliche, but it has significantly helped. Talking about it is unbelievably important, so don’t underestimate that.
Valerie | October 24, 2009 at 4:38 am | Reply

No, Hope, you are most definately not alone. A lot of us out there understand how you feel completely. I’ve been battling anxiety (and the depression that stems from it) for years. After a couple false victories I have finally found myself in the hands of a good therapist and am starting day one of antidepressants tomorrow. To say I am deathly afraid is an understatement. But somehow I still have this small hope that I can get through this and live a happy life. I wish the same for you with all my heart.
Cynical psycho | October 24, 2009 at 11:00 am | Reply

I deal with depression as a professional the last year and although I do not in any way consider myself an expert of the kind I’d like to share a couple of thoughts briefly.
First, that the population of people with depression in Greece is much higher than the official rates. I wouldn’t be surprised if it surpassed UK’s statistics. Secondly, that there is up-to-date medication that needs to be obtained with the professional care of a psychiatrist and only, and that the meds with the assistance of psychotherapy, whenever it comes handy, can work extremely well. Which brings me to my last and most personal comment. One has the right (it doens’t mean they are right too) to consider themselves a failure when although they had the capacity, have not asked for professional help. Lack of that probably speaks of a really difficult case. From the moment someone has professional and scientific assistance the failure is a sinlge matter of the professional in question.
Yes, Hope, I admit this has to do with my personal professional approach, but duo to the fact that I really care for your wellbeing I can’t but tell you that I consider the one you’re now in unsuitable and I strongly suggest taking another way. NOW!

With deep worries
G.
shewas | October 24, 2009 at 1:41 pm | Reply

Hope, i’ve told you before about the anxiety and panic attack period that i went through, so you already know that it was so crippling i could barely leave the house for two years. I just want to say that while i strongly believe it is an individual’s right to choose whether they take meds or not, statistically meds are way over prescribed. There is a huge difference between clinical depression, and depression that is completely reasonable and to be expected given an individuals circumstances. For example: a girl i work with is being harrassed and bullied at work. She went to the doctor, to get a sick certificate so that she did not have to go to work. She presented with stress, anxiety, and a rash on her face which is exacerbated by her picking at it. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants. How are meds the answer to this issue? Why should a young woman be medicated because she is being bullied? What she needs are some coping strategies and a new job! Sadly too many “medical professionals” choose to prescribe rather than counsel because it is easier for them to do so, it takes less time and a whole lot less skill!! I certainly do not believe that science has all the answers, it doesn’t even come close. Having read your blog for some time now, having read about your love of words, and understanding the need you have to express yourself, I cannot recommend narrative therapy highly enough. I overcame my anxiety via narrative therapy, not the “science” of pills. Also, exposure therapy worked wonders – so going to that airport, lining up, yes that is a huge success, and next time, you’ll be able to go a little further. Living with crippling anxiety is really, really hard, and there are no magic pills that take it all away, it is all just hard work and, I honestly believe, time helps. Lastly, if you are happy with your therapist, if you feel that you are making progress, dont discount that. As someone once said to me – you are the expert on you – no one else. xxx
chickbug | October 24, 2009 at 6:16 pm | Reply

You are speaking my language. I have good years and bad years (crazy how your life can be like that). But, I’ve realized with proper medication and anxiety-relieving activites I can lead an amazing life. Anxiety is apart of me, but it doesn’t define me. And I know it is the same for you.
Lpeg | October 26, 2009 at 4:40 pm | Reply

I am in agreement with your sister and your best friend – you made it to the airport, and you at least tried to go. That, in and of itself is the first, and biggest step. Good luck, Hope. We’re all rooting for you.
Princess Pointful | October 29, 2009 at 1:44 am | Reply

I think the problem is that people who don’t suffer from anxiety or depression know quite how overwhelming and all-encompassing it is, how it can take over every thought, breath, sensation. It is very real. Don’t let others judgments take that away from you.
But also remember that you have the strength to beat this bastard ;)
Pingback: 35 in 2009 « Hope dies last
Angela | April 7, 2011 at 1:02 pm | Reply

I can really relate to this. ♥

Confession: Part Two

12 Responses to Confession: Part Two

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