I remember the good ol’ days when all I would think about was blogging.
I would compose blog posts in my head, in the shower, while driving, on the back of receipts while standing in line at the supermarket. Nowadays, I have a writer’s notebook. And in it, I write. The need to share my writing has waned. Because my need to expose myself has waned. As much as I would like to be the kind of blogger that posts every day about anything and everything, I can’t be. When I sit down to write, even fiction, it is always those inner, inner thoughts about fears and love and relationships and truth and death and meaning.
I don’t do small talk (Well, I do but it makes me uncomfortable) so, I’d rather not post about small things. (Even though I have opinions about all of that lovely stuff like my insane obsession with Jon Stewart and leggings)
The truth is that I’m embarrassed.
In July, I honestly believed that I had found The One. And I blogged about it in the way that I have always done. With absolute abandon and no regard to the future. But I swear I was certain. I was convinced that this blog was about to evolve from single girl to attached girl. That its very name ‘Hope Dies Last’ would finally be a source of real and documented inspiration.
But then it all blew up in my face.
And for the very first time in my blogging experience I was utterly and completely mortified.
What on earth possessed me to share yet another romance and the subsequent rejection to the masses? How many times do my readers really need to read the same exact experience? And oh my god, in the last three years, I seem to be having the same exact experience over and over again; with four different men.
I’ve always maintained that I’m not that fussed about the impression that I give people; on and off line. But this time, for unclear reasons, I gave a damn. I was embarrassed by this rejection. And I didn’t want to write about it because I was embarrassed. But it was the only thing I wanted to write about. And so I just stopped writing.
I’m still a little red around the cheeks. But I think its time that I jumped back on the metaphorical horse and be the blogger that I was; the blogger that I am. The only kind of blogger that I know how to be.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
There is no need to feel embarrassed, Hope. We have all been there, and we truly want you to find that special person. And we’ll be here for you when you do. Even if you have to go through a few more frogs to find him…
We’ve all been there, we understand. It makes me sad to think you are embarrassed for sharing with us, even sadder that you think you are the only one to have gone through this over and over again. We are here for you until you find the one, no matter how many tries it takes.
Hope- there is no need to feel embarassed…honestly everyone that comes here and reads your posts can relate to what you talk about! Your posts are sincere and heartfelt, and help me get through difficult times…we’ve all been there…and finding “the one” means going through a lot of bad experiences- hope you keep blogging and know that we are here rooting for you and are not judging you at all! :)
These things are what make us, well us, shameful or not, so don’t be embarrassed. I just stick a password on it so i dont have to see it after the event!
Please keep personal blogging, i for one enjoy it…
You know, I get it. I truly do. I think we all do, on some level. But I agree with everyone above – I really wish for you to not feel embarrassed about this.
This may sound cheesy, but Hope – he’s never going to be The One, until it is The One. It means that everyone has a laundry list of experiences like yours. And I think there’s something noble and endearing about the fact that even through your past bad experiences, you are still able to open yourself up and give yourself to a relationship as if it is The One – that’s so hugely valuable. You are a treasure, and one of these days, someone handsome and witty and kind and AND AND many more things will figure it out.
Oh don’t be embarassed. I’ve been there. I’ve written about four guys I thought were special in the last year and half as well. The first three also blew up in my face. I felt like such an idiot after the second one, and the third one, that I was so hesitant to even write about this fourth one. I totally know what you mean, but this is your life. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, but it’s still what’s going on with you, and you should feel free to write about it if you so choose. Besides you’re such a beautiful writer, I’m always a little excited when I see there’s a new post from you, no matter what you write about.
I found your blog about a year ago. Your writing draws me in, paints a picture of your life, good and bad. When you are happy I am happy for you, when you hurt I feel your pain.
I understand why your embarrased but please don’t stop writing. Even though you loved and lost, you don’t lose hope. And that is what keeps me coming back. I would hate to see you quit writing!
Oh and I miss those diary entries to 13-yr old Hope!
you should never be embarrassed!
ps: I hate small talk too!
Don’t be embarassed… we have all been there! :)
I totally get it.
The thing with me is that I get embarrassed enough to stop putting myself out there. At least you have experiences to write of.
No matter how mortified you are, never stop putting yourself out there.
Keep writing Hope. Write about it all, the good, the bad, the ugly. It keeps you real, and relatable. You are not alone in your unsuccessful pursuits for love. Your writing and your honesty are beautiful.
I admire you. The mere ability to have your heart broken again and again, and yet still believe in love enough to get caught up in it is rare, and enviable.
I’ve had my heart broken exactly once, and I still find it hard to throw caution to the wind and love with all my strength.
The more you believe, the more likely it is that love will find you – and hold on.
I have had my heart broken only once and I have spent the five years since actively avoiding anything that might lead to an interest in anyone.
Don’t be mortified that you have had the fortitude to try again.
Please don’t feel embarassed! Thank you for being willing to be so honest with us, your readers. It is a gift I gladly receive from you. Keep loving without abandon and definitely keep becoming stronger if it ends. You inspire me not to settle for less than big love. Thanks Hope!