Faux
9 Sep
I have found that in crisis, the human mind will find the smallest, most inconspicuous detail and use that detail to pump hope-infused blood to the heart. It’s the only way it can keep it beating.
And anyone who has been on the receiving end of a break up recently knows that which I speak of is true.
In my case, I refer you to a pair of beautiful, gold chandelier earrings that I accidentally left behind the second to last night I spent at his place. I took them off that night feeling that our ‘relationship’ was moving forward. I was happy. We had a really good night; one of the best. Five days later, it was over. My earrings still sitting on a ledge in his bathroom.
A week after he ended it, I sent him a message requesting that he return my earrings. It was brief and to the point. And entirely unrepresentative of the way I felt inside.
He didn’t reply. And 16 days later, he has yet to return them.
Experience tells me that it is over and that reconciliation at this point is unlikely. He hasn’t attempted to call me. He hasn’t attempted to see me. Our mutual friends are quick to tell me that IT IS OVER. My friends are quick to tell me I have to MOVE ON.
But all these thoughts create a tightness in my chest. To ease this pain, my mind pumps hope-infused blood to my heart. And so I cling on to those un-returned earrings. I attach meaning to the fact that he hasn’t returned them. As if he sees my earrings as some kind of alternative to my presence. A way to stay connected.
But the thing about those gold earrings is that–just like all my hopes–they’re fake.
There is no real hope here. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me. And I’m starting to believe that is all hope really is.
A counterfeit emotion. A false sense of security.
A fake pair of golden earrings.
While I understand how delusional false hope can be and make one feel, the problem is that sometimes it’s only false until it doesn’t come through. I once kept a book of poetry an ex-gf lent me to read, just so that at a later time I could (and ultimately did) use it as an excuse to contact her again.
It probably is over. You should definitely move on. Forget about the earrings. But if a text or facebook message catches you offguard somewhere down the line once you’re long since past this… well, hey, stranger things have happened, right?
I know this insanity far too well. After Beave and I broke up, I clung to truly ridiculous things. Things like, “We never made it back to Boulder and he promised we would, so clearly it can’t be over.”
Only thing is, it was.
Sometimes you have to fool yourself, get your head and body believe in something that isn’t really there… up to a point it will be there…
Hang on, and go get yourself a new even cuter pair of earrings. So what they are fake, they can still be fabulous!
oh, honey, do I ever know where you are coming from. I text messaged and called my ex for two months after our break up, daily, multiple times a day. Some messages said “I hate you” some messages said “I need you” some messages said “I want my stuff back” none of those messages got a response.
Over 3 months later I have managed to stop sending messages, but I still cling to the hope that he will return my things someday or that he hasn’t returned my things yet means he knows we’ll be back together someday so there is no need.
You have to cling to whatever you can to make it through, good news is, you will make it through and you’ll be better for it.
been there.
i loved this post even though i hate the fact that you had to go through it to write it.
I have often thought as my hope as a disease, I have written poems about it, wished to kill it, resented it. Why couldn’t I just give up?
Truth is, there is someone who just loves that about you, somewhere, so just accept it.
He had my extra car key for a while. He finally returned the car key one night when we were out with mutual friends, a little part of me wanted to cry…something so small felt so huge. A friend witnessing the exchange said she felt the sadness between both of us.
I know exactly what you speak…
It’s been eight months, and I’m still waiting for him to give me back my heart…
I completely relate.
I understand. I left my watch – a new, silver sports watch that I loved – on my boyfriend’s coffee table. I had no way of knowing that he would leave me.
I believe we will find love, and that things will get better. They have to.
False is false when it does not come threw. until then it is still hope.
You will get those earrings back, damn it!
Lookee, I’m wordpressing it. It’s groovy.