Reality
30 Apr
Real is approaching me.
I’m thinking to myself as if I’m my own therapist,
“The only reason you are here is to determine the extent of his jerkiness. You need to actively look out for it in order to move past him. A year is a long time to routinely think of a person who has offered you so little of themselves.”
He is sitting down, he is flashing me a grin. He is talking.
I am not paying attention because I am watching all my good intentions fly out of my head.I manically try to catch them. But I find that I’m catching myself instead. It feels good to be sitting directly opposite him. Even if his attention is not on me entirely. Even if his gaze doesn’t seem to reach mine. It just feels good.
But now he’s casually mentioned his girlfriend and I’m excusing myself to go find those floating intentions and manually insert them back into my head.
Its absolutely exhausting being a good person.
***
We’re getting up, we’re walking apart–his bicycle between us–I am almost hit by a car.
“Oops! You very nearly lost me there!” I am saying; giggling.
He is looking at me and he is more serious than I thought he could be and he replies,
“I very nearly did.”
I want that to have a double meaning. But I know it doesn’t.
Its absolutely exhausting being a romantic.
***
We’re standing at the corner. Distant.
He is saying that he hates good byes.
I am saying that I had a good time.
“We should do it again.”
“We should.”
He is leaning forward to give me a kiss on each cheek. I am stopping him.
“No, don’t kiss me. I’m sick. I don’t want you to catch it.”
He is grabbing my hand.
Here we are–almost mirror images–holding hands and smiling at each other.
Then we’re both walking away; both not looking back.
Its absolutely exhausting being in my head; thinking like a writer.
***
As a love story, it has so much potential.
As a reality, it has none.
You are so right. Being a romantic is exhausting. But I love your writing and your stories. Maybe you should write it the way you want it to be….
I love your perspective on this. I’m so glad you understand the different potentials–and lack thereof.
I genuinely believe that being a writer makes it harder.
I could read your stories forever! Like you i’m a hopeless romantic so totally understand all you’re hoping for! truly exhausting!
The moment you mentioned Real again, alarm bells started ringing. I know it’s just my opinion and you are not obliged to take it, since I’m someone who has the bad/good habit of not looking back once I walk away. Also, only you know the real insides of the situation.
But if I were in your shoes, I would stay away from Real. He sounds like a wishy washy guy who didn’t know what he wanted and is now returning to previous fishing ponds to see if there are any fish left. Also, it takes quite an insenitive person to not realise the anguish they cause another. Men are not so stupid as to not be able to read another person’s emotions.
I just think Real is not worth the time you give him. Who does he think to disappear for a year and then just pop up when HIS heart desires it? Put on your prettiest pair of shoes and walk away.
I’m with Bolly: the moment I read the first sentence, my head was silently screaming “nooooooooooooo!” But you made me feel a bit better by the time I reached the end of the post, so I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
I do believe Real is an enigma, and there’s nothing more attractive to a writer than an enigma, nor is there anything as unhealthy. You deserve better than something you can’t have 100% of.
This is such a wonderfully written piece. Even if the last line is so tragically true.