Yesterday, today, tomorrow
6 Feb
The Universe sent me a message this morning.
Think back to a happy time in your life, Hope. A really, really happy time.
I tried to do that. I tried to remember the last time my heart was happy. I tried to remember what that felt like. Then, it dawned on me, one year ago today, I had a perfect day. The details of that day; of that day and the next; engraved in my mind as if…as if not a single day has passed; let alone 365.
***
I sat on his lap for hours. His eyes, the colour of a clear blue sky, penetrated mine. The intensity of that gaze will not soon be forgotten. Neither will I forget the way his almost 2 meter frame came between me and a drunken patron of The Bar. “Sir, I am going to have to ask you to step away” he had growled. “What’s it to you, mate?” he had replied, his hand attempting to stroke my own. The Man had stepped forward, pushing me further behind him, “She’s mine” he had answered. “She’s my girlfriend.” The first, the only, the last time he would ever say those words without a question mark at the end.
The next night I sat on his lap for hours; my head on his shoulder as he tapped away on my laptop. An unfamiliar melody punched into the silence. “What’s this?” I asked. “Ssh, listen.” I raised my head to look into his face. He smiled and began to whisper the words. He didn’t sing. Instead, he spoke them quietly as if he desperately wanted them to be his own. His eyes never leaving mine.
“You’ve got your ball, you’ve got your chain tied to me…Sweet like candy to my soul…sweet you are…Lost for you, I’m so lost for you. If I’ve gone overboard, I’m begging you to forgive me over my haste. I’m holding you so close to me.”
Without saying a word, I turned around, opened iPhoto and gestured that I wanted to take a photo. The song reloaded, I looked into the screen smiling. He looked at me and quietly ordered me to turn around.
Our lips met.
***
Universe, a year ago yesterday, I was protected. A year ago today, I was kissed and I was happy. A year ago tomorrow, I was left behind. Universe, I don’t talk much about The Man anymore. I still miss him. His, is the only name I have not uttered in therapy. I’ve presented him as some guy. That Australian Guy. One that never really left a mark. Because still, 365 days later, it still hurts. It hurts because I took a risk; I took a risk in order not to say “What if?” and even though I took it and even though I will never, ever regret it, I still wonder “What if? What if he was The One?”
Universe, I don’t know if I want you to bring him back to me. He may have to stay in yesterday.
But if you could, today, if you could bring that intensity, that desire, that aggressive want, that undeniable chemistry, that push, that pull, if you could bring all of that back to me? I would be eternally grateful.
Perhaps, even happy for tomorrow.
a thousand hugs.
“But if you could, today, if you could bring that intensity, that desire, that aggressive want, that undeniable chemistry, that push, that pull, if you could bring all of that back to me? I would be eternally grateful.”
That.
I hope the universe answers that wish.
I hope the Universe grants your wish. You deserve to be happy.
I KNOW the universe will again bring you the passion and intesnity you felt for Him in another soul…..you so deserve it…
Who doesn’t love DMB?
That was so beautiful hope. I ask the universe for the same thing. I hope we’ll both get it one day.
I love your writing here, I can truely feel your pain and longing. Oh and I can totally relate as well.
I hate that heartache-y feeling. But the fact that you still have the courage to write about it; each keystroke ripping out an old stitch, shows how truly strong you are.
I remember reading about this day this first time.
I hope you get that back soon, Hope.
This is, as always, so beautifully said. That struggle, the wanting of what you had but in a new and today form.
You’ll feel that again someday. You will. And, this time, when you do, it won’t have to end. You’ll get to feel it every day – every single day. Until then, keep passing the open windows, keep that head held high and that heart held in hand. It’ll happen.
so how does the Man Friend know the Man? Is dating him bringing up too many memories …..
most days tut annoys the crap out of me. today? i think he was right on for you. think back to those happy times, and know in your heart, that you deserve it, and will get what you deserve.
This was so beautifully written. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to break free of the pain yet, but you will. Promise. xoxo
Oh man. This was beautifully written. Full of emotion. I’m wishing your request of the universe gets fulfilled…you deserve it.
This is truly beautiful. I hope you get your wish.
don’t stop hoping. There are true second chances in life. What matters is that YOU were able to feel that way. Believe me, that is what matters, your ability to feel.