Hope Dies Last

Do you ever have those days?

Those days where you look in the mirror and have no earthly idea about who you are, what you want or where you’re trying to go?

Not even a little, not even a bit, I mean, not even at all?

Do you ever have one of those days?

…as a passenger in a car, will flinch obviously but with no malicious intent, when the driver gets too close to parked cars. 

…will not take a car to begin with and then accuse, “Are you sure you haven’t had too much to drink?” when sober-ish friends offer to take me all the way home. 

…will pout and when asked if something is the matter will say, “Nothing.”

…constantly forgets to follow through with promises. 

…hates small talk to such an extent that I would rather sit in silence. 

…writes the same ‘WHEN WILL I MEET SOMEONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?’ emails for three years in a row. (I’m surprised I still have friends.)

…may correct your grammar while you are still in the middle of your sentence.  

…will say ‘Yes’ when I mean ‘No’. And say ‘No when I mean ‘Ask me one more time.’

…can never decide what I want to eat. But I will probably veto most of your proposals. 

…will take the other side of the argument you are trying to make JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT. 

What kind of annoying person are you?

The Universe sent me a message this morning.  

Think back to a happy time in your life, Hope. A really, really happy time. 

I tried to do that. I tried to remember the last time my heart was happy. I tried to remember what that felt like. Then, it dawned on me, one year ago today, I had a perfect day. The details of that day; of that day and the next; engraved in my mind as if…as if not a single day has passed; let alone 365. 

***

I sat on his lap for hours. His eyes, the colour of a clear blue sky, penetrated mine. The intensity of that gaze will not soon be forgotten. Neither will I forget the way his almost 2 meter frame came between me and a drunken patron of The Bar. “Sir, I am going to have to ask you to step away” he had growled. “What’s it to you, mate?” he had replied, his hand attempting to stroke my own. The Man had stepped forward, pushing me further behind him, “She’s mine” he had answered. “She’s my girlfriend.” The first, the only, the last time he would ever say those words without a question mark at the end. 

The next night I sat on his lap for hours; my head on his shoulder as he tapped away on my laptop. An unfamiliar melody punched into the silence. “What’s this?” I asked. “Ssh, listen.” I raised my head to look into his face. He smiled and began to whisper the words. He didn’t sing. Instead, he spoke them quietly as if he desperately wanted them to be his own. His eyes never leaving mine. 

“You’ve got your ball, you’ve got your chain tied to me…Sweet like candy to my soul…sweet you are…Lost for you, I’m so lost for you. If I’ve gone overboard, I’m begging you to forgive me over my haste. I’m holding you so close to me.”

Without saying a word, I turned around, opened iPhoto and gestured that I wanted to take a photo. The song reloaded, I looked into the screen smiling. He looked at me and quietly ordered me to turn around.

Our lips met. 

***

Universe, a year ago yesterday, I was protected. A year ago today, I was kissed and I was happy. A year ago tomorrow, I was left behind. Universe, I don’t talk much about The Man anymore. I still miss him. His, is the only name I have not uttered in therapy. I’ve presented him as some guy. That Australian Guy. One that never really left a mark.  Because still, 365 days later, it still hurts. It hurts because I took a risk; I took a risk in order not to say “What if?” and even though I took it and even though I will never, ever regret it, I still wonder “What if? What if he was The One?” 

Universe, I don’t know if I want you to bring him back to me. He may have to stay in yesterday.

But if you could, today,  if you could bring that intensity, that desire, that aggressive want, that undeniable chemistry, that push, that pull, if you could bring all of that back to me? I would be eternally grateful.

Perhaps, even happy for tomorrow.