I found myself, recently, entangled in a conversation that I had no particularly want in having.
It was only until the heart palpitations began, only until I felt that my head would explode, only until the thought “Oh fuck. I’m going to have a meltdown right here, right now” vibrated around the walls of my mind a couple of times that I realized just how much I didn’t want to hear what this person was telling me.
I didn’t want to hear about how despite being in an eight year relationship she has fallen in love with another man. A married man. I didn’t want to hear that he had fallen in love with her too. I didn’t want to hear about their illicit phonecalls. Or their ‘celebral’ connection. I didn’t want to hear about how much it sucked that she had two men that wanted to be with her. Nor did I want to hear that she was ‘scared to be alone’.
I didn’t want to hear any of it.
***
My brother doesn’t like hearing about my dating life. So, I never told him about Dan. Yesterday, my Brother In Law slipped and casually mentioned his name. My brother’s response?
“I don’t want to know.”
***
Sometimes, I don’t want to know either.
I don’t want to know that while I’ve been single all these years, the words “I love you” have grazed the small of your neck from the breathless whisper of five different men. I don’t want to hear your “I’m never going to meet anyone’s!” five seconds before you’ve ended your relationship.
What could you possibly know of ‘alone-ness’ when you haven’t been alone long enough to feel its grip choking you as if The Grim Reaper himself were just around the corner?
Don’t you know that I, and only I, have controlling shares in Solitude?
(And apparently, in a Shit Load of Bitterness.)
So, I don’t want to hear about how having to choose between two men is awful. I don’t want to hear that this one is too this and that one is too that. Because all I hear is that TWO MEN WANT ME, nanana, nanana.
I don’t want to hear that “I’ve been alone for one month. I -like- can’t deal. I now know exactly how you feel, Eleni.”
Er, do you know what you sound like? You sound like a person who skipped breakfast yesterday and is a) complaining that they are starving and b) commiserating with AN ETHIOPIAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE DRINKING WATER LET ALONE BREAKFAST FOOD.
Sometimes, I don’t want to hear “Eleni, you should find happiness within yourself. You should find love and passion outside of a relationship.” Perhaps, if your head wasn’t stuck so far up your boyfriend’s ass I would take your advice a little more seriously.
I don’t want to hear ‘You should stop looking and then he’ll come.” As if a good, honest man who loves you is like a misplaced set of keys!
***
After I had vomited out every bit of bitterness my therapist asked,
“Why did that conversation bring all of this up?”
“I don’t know but the entire time she was talking to me about her two men I kept thinking, “WHY IS THE UNIVERSE GIVING HER TWO AND I GET NONE? ITS NOT FAIR!”
“You feel that there is a limited supply of men?”
“Yes! I feel like I’m surrounded by women and we’re all drawing sticks for love and when it comes to my turn THEY’RE NO STICKS LEFT.”
“What would you tell a friend if she told you what you just told me?”
“I’d tell her that she was being ridiculous. Finding a partner that will make you happy is not like drawing sticks.”
“Well, at least you can see that.”
1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|67|68|69|70|71|72|73|74|75|76|77|78|79|80|81|82|83|84|85|86|87|88|89|90|91|92|93|94|95|96|97|98|99|100|101|102|103|104|105|106|107|108|109|110|111|112|113|114|115|116|117|118|119|120|121|122|123|124|125|126|127|128|129|130|131|132|133|134|135|136|137|138|139|140|141|142|143|144|145|146|147|148|149|150|151|152|153|154|155|156|157|158|159|160|161|162|163|164|165|166|167|168|169|170|171|172|173|174|175|176|177|178|179|180|181|182|183|184|185|186|187|188|189|190|191|192|193|194|195|196|197|198|199|200|201|202|203|204|205|206|207|208|209|210|211|212|213|214| orlistat no prescription needed exelon without a prescription promethazine prescription discounts buy strattera nz purchase nolvadex over counter eurax sans ordonnace clavamox without prescriptions canada cheapest order lisinopril clavamox sans ordonnace purchase accutane generic purchase online without prescription cymbalta trental buy online cheap buy ventolin without a prescription canada synthroid pharmacy clavamox no prescription purchase coumadin online without prescription purchase decadron medication purchase no prescription atarax decadron without prescriptionsAccutane Online
Doxycycline online
Buy Cheap Lexapro Online No Prescription
Prednisone Online
Buy Accutane No Prescription
Sometimes I totally feel like there may be no sticks left for me, no matter how irrational it may be.
Is it me, or is being rational often kind of a pisser? :)
Yeah … I have been friends with a person who couldn’t spend 5 minutes without a guy in her life without singing the woe is me song.
“But, you know, I’m thinking it could be much worse.”… Very true my friend…so true that this stands both ways…it could also be much better. However, the way I read your post gave me the feeling of a healthy person expressing her anger and bitterness and frustration! Not better or worse! Simply the sxoression of sincere feelings! What’s so wrong about feeling angry or pissed off? What’s so wrong about acknowledging that at a certain point in your life you’re not ready to hear about a woman being torn between two men?Again, you’re simply being honest to yourself….aren’t you?
It could be worse, but I feel like instead of there being no sticks left for me, I get the short one. As in “make me pay, drive you around, and say you had a good time, let’s do this again!” kinda boy.
And then, other times, there are no sticks left.
My best friend is always complaining about men. I don’t think she’s been single for more than one months since we were in high school. “Give me one of your rebounds, PLEASE!” I want to yell at her. The last one.. man, I don’t know HOW she let him go….
I have a male friend who is having a semi-affair with a married woman and I. Cannot. Listen. To. It. Anymore. I understand the anxiety you feel when listening.
We all have times when we feel as if we’ve drawn the short end of things, or maybe nothing it all. When I feel this way, I tell myself, “This too shall pass.” Then I fake a smile and move on. Easier said than done, but I hope it helps. :)
uhhh, how about you do what you want to do, and feel how you want to feel, and not feel bad about it. your going through your pain, not the others. cope with it how you want.
and tell that stupid girl to make a damn decision. some people have actually been on the other side.
like married to that man that “loves” her.
Those lines are so familiar — “Oh, if you only stop LOOKING, then you’ll FIND someone.” It’s bullshit. To a certain extent.
I do believe that the act of looking will not help you find someone. I do believe that it is important to be satisfied and comfortable with oneself. But I also know how lonely all that can be.
I loved this post. I can so relate. Especially “Perhaps, if your head wasn’t stuck so far up your boyfriend’s ass I would take your advice a little more seriously. ” I could say that to numerous people. Made me laugh. =)
I understand your reaction…and I think that sometimes it just helps acknowledging the frustration that we feel instead of saying or hearing other people say that everything will turn out ok or hearing the billion theories about what to do or what not to do, to stop searching for someone or keep looking hard. I think it is a balance of allowing ourselves to be pissed off. … and then continue working with ourselves and our lives xx
At least you’re a walking talking expression of many people who can relate to what you’re going through. I’m so tired of it, I wouldn’t have the strength to write this post, so thanks for doing it for me.
What she said, people. What she said!
I was encouraged to comment after reading your “about me” page. Really like your blog! What else can I say? Prolly will visit here often.
Maybe some next time I’ll be courageous enough to put a link to my own blog here in one of my (next) comments. But in the meantime please keep your great writing ;)
You probably don’t want to hear this…but I’ve been alone for longer than a month. It’s been nearly six years now, since I was in love and secure in a relationship. I think in all of that time I’ve been on maybe two dates, both of which went poorly.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Hello!! Keep walking!!
honestly, best statement ever: “Yes! I feel like I’m surrounded by women and we’re all drawing sticks for love and when it comes to my turn THEY’RE NO STICKS LEFT.”
seriously.
(although while I may be drawing lots of sticks, they are all broken and mildewy. gross. le sigh.)
Great post Hope …! “having controlling shares in SOLITUDE…” ha! : )
Jen Ramos
‘Cards & Prints You’ll Love…’
http://www.madebygirl.com
madebygirl.blogspot.com
Geez Louis, there are a lot of us out here! We aren’t alone though, we just need to figure out if we want it and need it. I’ve found several men I can live without, but none that I can’t!
I understand that bitterness. It just doesn’t seem fair that people break up and find someone soon after, meanwhile I’ve never had anyone at all.
But I’d rather be alone than be that desperate person who jumps from man to man.