Hope Dies Last

I found myself, recently, entangled in a conversation that I had no particularly want in having.

It was only until the heart palpitations began, only until I felt that my head would explode, only until the thought “Oh fuck. I’m going to have a meltdown right here, right now” vibrated around the walls of my mind a couple of times that I realized just how much I didn’t want to hear what this person was telling me.

I didn’t want to hear about how despite being in an eight year relationship she has fallen in love with another man. A married man. I didn’t want to hear that he had fallen in love with her too. I didn’t want to hear about their illicit phonecalls. Or their ‘celebral’ connection. I didn’t want to hear about how much it sucked that she had two men that wanted to be with her. Nor did I want to hear that she was  ’scared to be alone’.

I didn’t want to hear any of it. 

***

My brother doesn’t like hearing about my dating life. So, I never told him about  The Man. Yesterday, my Brother In Law slipped and casually mentioned his name. My brother’s response?

“I don’t want to know.”

***

Sometimes, I don’t want to know either.

I don’t want to know that while I’ve been single all these years,  the words “I love you” have grazed the small of your neck  from the breathless whisper of five different men. I don’t want to hear your “I’m never going to meet anyone’s!” five seconds before you’ve ended your relationship.  What could you possibly know of ‘alone-ness’ when you haven’t been alone long enough to feel its grip choking you as if The Grim Reaper himself were just around the corner?  

Don’t you know that I, and only I,  have controlling shares in Solitude? 

(And apparently, in a Shit Load of Bitterness.)

So, I don’t want to hear about how having to choose between two men is awful. I don’t want to hear that he’s too this and that one is too that. Because all I hear is that TWO MEN WANT ME, nanana, nanana. 

I don’t want to hear that “I’ve been alone for one month. I–like–can’t deal. I now know exactly how you feel, Hope.”

Er, do you know what you sound like? You sound like a person who skipped breakfast yesterday and is a) complaing  that they are starving and b) commiserating with who? 

AN ETHIOPIAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE DRINKING WATER LET ALONE BREAKFAST FOOD. 

Sometimes, I don’t want to hear  ”Hope, you should find happiness within yourself. You should find love and passion outside of a relationship.” Perhaps, if your head wasn’t stuck so far  up your boyfriend’s ass I would take your advice a little more seriously.  

I don’t want to hear ‘You should stop looking and then he’ll come.” As if a good, honest man who loves you is like a misplaced set of keys!

***

After I had vomited out every bit of bitterness my therapist asked,  

“Why did that conversation bring all of this up?”

“I don’t know but the entire time she was talking to me about her two men I kept thinking, “WHY IS THE UNIVERSE GIVING HER TWO AND I GET NONE? ITS NOT FAIR!”

“You feel that there is a limited supply of men?”

“Yes! I feel like I’m surrounded by women and we’re all drawing sticks for love and when it comes to my turn THEY’RE NO STICKS LEFT.”

“Hope, what would you tell a friend that told you what you just told me?”

 ”I’d tell her that she was being ridiculous. Finding a partner that will make you happy is not like drawing sticks.”

“Well, at least you can see that.”

***

It seems that lately my biggest problem is waiting for my bitter heart to catch up to my bloody rational head.

But, you know, I’m thinking it could be much worse.  

If I had to pick between spending a Friday night out in a smoky bar shouting to be heard over loud music  OR sitting next to a sleeping Diego while watching a movie wrapped in my 30 year old blanket, I would choose the latter every time.

*Still not talking about the topic that cannot be talked about. Lalala. Not talking about it.  Not complaining. Not dwelling. Not obsessing. Just saying.

About ten years ago, The Best Friend and I were in downtown Athens shopping on Ermou Street. 

We had spent about an hour inside  Zara in our own bubble of giggles while trying on clothing.  As we exited the store we took a left and came face to face with ten police officers in riot gear. Apparently, protesters were marching in the streets about one thing or the other and we had very nearly landed in the middle of it. If you have not been close enough to see your reflection in a riot police’s head gear then you haven’t lived in Athens long enough. 

Protests and strikes are just part of an ordinary day in Athens. There is always something that will make someone want to don their finest and hit the streets with placards screaming for whatever it is that has erred them that day. But in all my years in Greece nothing has ever come close to the violence that I watched on television last night. 

The riots that took place over the weekend and that are expected to continue today were instigated by the tragic killing of a 15 year old boy by a police officer. 

Was the police officer provoked? Was the boy in the wrong place at the wrong time? Were the youths attacking the police officers? Did the police officer open direct fire or did his warning shots ricochet off the ground and accidentally kill the boy? 

Despite spending all of yesterday following both local and international news reports I am still uncertain of the circumstances surrounding this tragedy. There seems to be absolutely no consensus on the events that unfolded on Saturday night. Perhaps I will never know.

But what I do know is that a life was unfairly cut short.  

What I do know is that the lives of two families has now been shattered; the family that is dealing with the loss of child and the family whose husband, father, son has become the most hated man in Greece. 

What I do know is that the government has gone out of there way to condemn the killing. This does not seem to have done anything to quel the mounting tension because sometimes people don’t want simple reactions–like a reflex a reaction does not require much thought. A reaction is just not good enough. I expect my government and my people to prevent these senseless acts of sporadic violence. Apologizing after the fact is an empty gesture of being put on the spot. 

Beneath the misdirected violence that some citizens of this country are exhibiting are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of silent, moderate voices begging for someone–ANYONE–to act, to take action, to lead. 

Instead, the country seems to have reached a breaking point. Politicians point fingers at one another. Masked youths have hit the streets attaching themselves to peaceful protests against the police and have caused damages reaching millions of euros.  Retail stores and private cars have been destroyed. The streets are littered with glass and debris. Athens is burning. 

My burning question is this. When the flames have been put out, when the funeral procession reaches the cemetery, when the anger has subsided what will we have learnt, what will we be left with?

In these desperate economic times, we will be left to pay for this mess through our taxes. Money that could have been spent on educating our youth on the values of compassion, of respect, of basic human connectedness will be spent on replacing the police cars that were destroyed. According to news reports, 600 people have lost their jobs in the Athens city center alone because their place of employment have been burned to the ground.  The Prime Minister has promised that all these stores will be reimbursed.

So this Christmas families will be fighting to put food on the table because mommy lost her job and next Christmas the same families will be fighting to put food on the table because mommy and daddy are still paying for some children’s warped idea of justice.

I would find all of this incredibly ironic if it were a hypothetical exercise in a university seminar. In the face of reality the irony fades away fast and all I am left with is a sense of awesome responsiblity.

We are all to blame. All our fingerprints are on that trigger. 

We let down Alex because the system was broken. We let down Alex because we have all been too scared, too apathetic, too corrupt, too greedy, too busy, too something to fix it.  We need stop demanding government to fix the system from the inside out and we need to start placing those demands on ourselves. This time,we need to fix the problems of our society from the outside in.