Hope Dies Last

A lot of people have told me (or made me feel) that jealousy is wrong. That I ’should’ not be jealous. That I ’should’ be happy. For the joys, the successes, the lucks of others.

Excuse me? Let us back up for a second. Who said those two were mutually exclusive?

I’d like to find that person who took jealousy out of the dictionary and redefined it in this way. As if I can’t be happy AND jealous at the same time . I want to track them down, tie them to a chair in a windowless room and force them to watch Sarah Palin interviews. WITH THE SOUND ON.

Come on.

I can be happy that my friend found that perfect little black leather bag that we’ve both been searching for. But at the same time I can be jealous.Not because I want her bag but because I want THE bag. Full stop.

Why then do I feel the need to apologise for wanting a bag?

Why then do I feel bad for wanting something I want?

Why then do I feel guilty for wanting something I want that someone else just happens to have?

See where I am going with this?

Of course there is a differece between your run of the mill “I wish I also had a boyfriend to suck face with on Sunday mornings” kind of jealousy and that other kind. That blinding, insane, fuelled by rage “I want to be like you so badly I’m stealing your underwear type of jealousy.

So you know what? Fuck it.

I’m owning up to it and I’m owning it. I’m not going to let it make me feel guilty anymore. Without further ado-

Hi! I’m Hope and I am jealous* of:

- women in happy (on most days) relationships

- single women who date

- men! They can pee standing up!

- people who get pursued by the opposite sex ALL THE BLOODY TIME.

- bloggers who get loads and loads and loads of comments.

- people who say what they mean and say what they feel and say what they want UNAPOLOGETICALLY.

- simple people (and I don’t mean stupid)

- natural red heads

- Jon Stewart’s wife. Because of all the laughing she must do.

- Kate Middleton. She’ is dating a bona fide prince, after all.

What are you jealous of? Or are you like yesterday’s Hope? Still trying to convince yourself that jealousy is not a real human emotion, much like anger and joy, but instead is an EVIL. An evil that rivals the likes of ’socialism’ and should be crushed? Or do you own your jealousy without apologies like that pair of leggings that is sitting in your closet?

*The first kind of jealousy. I really don’t want to steal anyone’s underwear.

Apparently when a waitor only looks in your direction when taking your order, asks “Do I know you?” and then teases you when you order something that is not on the menu? Apparently that is flirting.

Best Friend: Can I ask you a question?

Me: Sure

Best Friend: Please tell me you realize he’s hitting on you right now?

Me: Who is?

It would be funny and endearing if it weren’t so maladaptive, don’t you think?

I was watching TV the other day and I happened to land on a daytime talk show-ish type of programme. The presenter with too much make up and a head full of peroxide blond hair was pulling a terrifying sympathetic face to the camera. I stopped to see what was transpiring.

It turned out that they were having a round table discussion on friendship. The caller, a young girl of 22, was telling the panel of experts (cough cough other women with peroxide blond hair and way too much make up) that she could not possibly fathom the reason her best friend was no longer speaking to her. Oh, did I mention that the caller had an affair with the best friend’s father who then proceeded to leave his wife and children to live with her?

Yes.

Still Nicky the caller would not admit that she had betrayed her friend and this might (might, who knows I’m no expert) be the reason her friend no longer wanted to have anything to do with her.

“No” she said, “I did not do anything wrong. I didn’t lie to her. In fact, wasn’t I there for her when she needed me? Wasn’t I always a good friend?”

“So you told her about the affair when it began then?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Well then you lied to her.”

“I didn’t lie because she never asked me if I was sleeping with her father.”

This line of defense has always alluded me. If you’re going to go down, isn’t is far better to keep your dignity and say, “Yes I did lie. But in my defense I’m stupid”?

It’s like this story my friend R once told me.

In high school, while R was away from her hometown for a couple of weeks, her friend made out with her boyfrend. Upon R’s return, the boyfriend broke up with her saying, “It’s not you, but I can no longer be with you.” Bless his little guilty heart.

R, naturally, turned to her friend confused and in many conversations they pondered together the reasons that he could have ended the relationship.

“Do you think there’s someone else? R asked.

“There might be.” the friend replied.

Some time later, R discovered the truth and confronted her friend. Her reaction?

“I tried telling you.”

“When exactly?”

“Well, when I agreed with you that he might be seeing someone.”

In her defense, what was she supposed to say?

“Yes, there might be someone else. And by the way haha, funny story, that person happens to be me?”

No. We make mistakes. Then, we lie about them.  And then we use trite words to cover up the guilt we feel. We cover up the guilt because if others can’t see it, we can’t see it.

And all those shitty things we’ve done, have never happened.

And as long as the guilt is missing, we are not flawed.

Not in the least.

Not in the slightest.

My therapist says that I have a tendency to distort reality. That I don’t really have any evidence to support half of the many thoughts that float through my mind throughout the day.

I think she may be right. Case in point.

***

“Has someone complimented you recently? she asked.

“”Yes.”

“What was it?”

“You look really beautiful and you’ve lost so much weight.”

“Did you say thank you?”

“Of course I did.”

“Of course you did. But what went through your mind when she said it?”

“I don’t want to say.”

“And you’re laughing again.”

“I’m just so predictable aren’t I?”

“What did you think when she said that?”

“OK. OK. I thought she’s only saying that because she’s put on weight and I am thin compared to her but if she was thinner she wouldn’t have complimented me.”

“So in essence you’re saying that it doesn’t count as a compliment in your mind.”

“It DOESN’T count.”

Silence.

“I have a long way to go still, don’t I?”