He’s been slamming back into my mind with the force of a door that you forgot was open; a door that you thought you had closed.
I thought I had closed the door so each and every time I think of him, I am surprised by the intensity, no intensity is the wrong word, by just the idea of it all. I thought I had closed the door because I said things to people. I said things like, “He’s not the type of guy that I want in my life.” I said things like, “Not good enough”, “Not man enough”, “Does not know what he wants so I don’t want him”. I said these things to people. And the thing about people is that they remember.
They don’t forget about the doors that you have apparently closed.
***
For the last two months, I have been cat sitting a grey little dude called Diego while his owner gallivanted across the East Coast of the US. I grew quite attached to him and had also warmed considerably to the idea of becoming a bona fide single, cat lady. So, I decided that I would get my own kitten after Diego left. Soon after, a friend found a stray orphan in her garden and like that it was a done deal. I would take her when she was old enough.
Then, Diego’s owner dropped the bombshell.
“You know I was thinking, since he is so happy with you and you obviously love him so much, why don’t you keep him? I’m going back to New York next year, so I was going to have to find someone to take him then anyway.”
I had a choice to make. Do I keep Diego? Or do I get the new kitten? Do I choose to walk through the door that I thought was closed? Or do I walk through a new door?
After several hours of thought, I decided that Diego would stay.
“I know him. I don’t want the responsibility of two cats and well…I know Diego.” I offered as an explanation to the friend who has to now find a new home for an adorable, month-old, feisty little kitten.
I know him.
***
He’s been slamming into my mind with the force of a door I forgot was open.
I am thinking of him. But in a way that I do not recognize; in a way I do not remember ever feeling. In the past, it was incessant. It was obsessive, manic, an explosion of what could be, what will be, what should be. It was uncontrollable. I acted for attention. I reacted in a manner I thought he would like. It was not healthy. Or particularly dignified.
Now, it is a lover’s secret whispering its way into me slowly. It is calm and quiet. It is rare and reflective. It is the thought that this person, this person who I met randomly seven months ago, is special. But not at all in the way it sounds. But in the way that for this person the door remains open.
Indefinitely.
For reasons I have yet to fully understand.
***
And then I wonder. Is this feeling I have purely of my own creation? Is it [R]eal? Or is it just me a little scared that a new door might not ever open?
It is me choosing to go back to that forgotten door simply because at the moment…I know him?
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I think when a new door hasn’t opened yet, it’s easy and tempting to want to look back at the closed doors behind you.
But the door is closed for a reason. And I hope that all those friends who you told all the many reasons will gather around you and remind you why.
You always amaze me with your ability to tie together two (or more) seemingly unrelated events into one larger choice. In this case, the kittens and Real. I’m so happy your writing freelance now! This is what you SHOULD be doing!
I agree with the kittens…stick to Diego. As for the choice between Real or a new door? I’d say go for the new door. I do think it’s because you know him that you’re considering otherwise. What’s unknown is scary, but also exhilarating.
when you are stuck in an endless hallway, you just want to get out…and so the door you came from seems like the best decision. but keep walking. the new one will be there.
Man, those closed doors are tough ones. Especially when those doors lead to that person you have a “past life” connection with (that’s what I always call it, that immediate comfort, like you’ve known each other forever). Closure is a tricky thing, something I’ve yet to figure out. Why do some doors close and stay that way while others keep blowing open? You’ll get there, it just might take more time than you’d like.
Also, good choice on Diego, he sounds cool. Plus, it’s always easier to find a kitten a home.
I agree with singlefabulous. You don’t have another temptation, so you are looking behind, instead of looking forward.
Has he contacted you at all since we last heard?
You have a brilliant way with words. I find myself in a similar situation, with a guy who refuses to stay in the past, despite all my affirmations to my friends and myself that “it is over between us.” I wish I had advice for us both. My gut tells me to move forward, that settling for the familiar will be ultimately unsatisfying. Easier said…
I think you are going back to the old door because you never were really able to go in.. to find out exactly what could be behind it. I think its very natural that when we don’t really get to persue things for whatever reason then we always wonder what could have been if things were like that or things were like this. Even moreso, when we have yet to see a new door open.
Sometimes, though the old door has been closed, it’s still there for a reason.
Thanks to everyone for their comments! You all made really good points which I will return to every now and again to remind me that I actually closed that door for a reason.
Lpeg: We haven’t been in contact for over two months now.
Erin: Diego IS cool. :)
I think you already know the answer, by the sounds of it. Just because it’s easier to pull out an old key rather than find a new one doesn’t mean you should.
We want Diego pictures!
I know the feeling my ex has been haunting my dreams and then out of no where text me to tell me he is thinking about me….
Oh wow, I’ve been here. Hell, I’m here right now. When you’re alone with your thoughts, it’s so simple (and comforting) to think about all the good parts of him you’re missing. And so easy to forget the ways he made you doubt your worth.
Here’s what I do. Every time you get a fleeting thought of his smile, think about how you felt when he didn’t call you. Think about how you would never want “The One” to make you feel that way.