He called.
I failed to pick up because it was an unknown number. But really, I failed to pick up because I was lying on the couch, numb from griefless grief. Twenty minutes later, my phone beeped.
It hadn’t stopped all day. (I do not recommend having a mini breakdown on your Name Day. The incessant phone calls from well-wishers get in the way of all the crying.)
I picked it up–uninterested–and looked at the number. It was the same, unknown number from before.
“Oh who the fuck is it now?” I thought to myself and clicked to read the message.
Happy Name Day! Hope you have a good night! Real
I rested my phone back on the table and continued staring at the carpet. It slowly dawned on me.
Real had called me. Then he had texted. He had remembered me.
***
The next morning he confirms my friend request on Facebook.
A day later, we chat on Chat. He urges me to watch Eurovision.
That Saturday, I text. “OK fiiiiiiine. You got me. It was fun in a trashy sort of way.”
We exchange texts well past 2 a.m until he Goodnight madame’s me.
The following week I have a question that I think he might be able to answer. Cue Facebook message.
Cue the reaction that I am, by now, so used to. NO REACTION. No reply. No nothing.
But, like Hillary Clinton, I do not know when to bow out gracefully. So I confront him playfully on Chat a few days later. He brushes me off. In the nicest way possible.
***
“You’re looking for trouble” my therapist said after I had spilled the above story; after I had manipulated my way into trying to get a trained professional to provide me with a professional analysis of his intentions, his motivations, his reasoning.
“Uh huh. But do you think he’s interested?” I smiled. Disarmingly.
“You’re looking for trouble” she repeated, clearly not willing to participate in my usual “Hey! Let’s talk about a guy! Let’s talk about a guy to death so that we don’t talk about any of the other deep-rooted issues in my life!” As my smile appeared not to be working, I attempted the doe eyes, puff out my lower lip and pretend to sulk route.
She was having none of it.
“I know that you think that a little attention from this man might make you feel a little better. And it might. But, it is not the solution. And did I mention? You’re actively looking for trouble? You seem to be going out of your way, Out. Of. Your. Way, to put yourself in a situation where you will get hurt.”
***
Dr. Wyatt [to Meredith]: Why is it that every other person in that room had the sense to hit the deck? You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other. You’re careless with your life. You’re not slitting your wrists but you’re careless. Probably because your mother told you you were a waste of space on this planet. The problem is you believed her. And if you don’t watch out one of these days you’re going to die because of it.
And so I sit and I mull over the way I live my life; the way I want to be loved so much that I forget about loving myself, the way I believe because so and so did not love me, I am not worthy of love. And I continue to fight to be noticed, to be loved in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways and by all the wrong men.
And I wonder whether it is time to be a little bit more careful with my heart. And myself. Maybe it is time to start acting like a person who believes she can, and will eventually, be loved.
Maybe, it is time to stop fighting. And wanting. And waiting. And hoping.
Maybe, it is time to just be.
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It always seems easier to focus on the guy at the moment than it does to focus on the deeper, more rooted issues, eh?
“Maybe, it is time to stop fighting. And wanting. And waiting. And hoping.”
Find a passion of yours and go full throttle pursuing it. Immerse yourself in it… that’s how I managed to eventually just be…
Wishing you well
i think we are the same person. i had almost the EXACT SAME conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago. so desperate to be loved, but never loving yourself.
the first step is recognizing it though, right?
*big hugs*
not feeling worthy of love? sheesh. Everyone is writing my autobiographies today.
I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist, not because you’re crazy but because you’re searching. You’ll find what you’re looking for.
YOU ARE BEYOND WORTHY.
I loved this post. It made so much sense. It was vulnerable. It was you.
I almost hate to say it but it’s as though I’ve been going through therapy with you. Knowing that I, too, put myself in the middle of the railroad tracks and suddenly have lead feet. And suddenly, out of nowhere, I’ve found the ability to step off. And away.
And you will too. xo.
oh my god!!!
i love this new therapist!!!
this was so right!!!
and quoting Grey’s??fantastic!!!
oh honey. i loved this post, and the blatant honesty you expressed. i just wish i could hug you right now.
also? loved the grey’s quote. loved. i’m so sorry i’ve been MIA. but i’m back now. much love. xoxo.
ooh i know what you mean about asking for trouble. needing to have a reaction…any reaction…which would be better than the sudden silence.
i hate that feeling. and we’re so in the same boat right now. though mine is not so much with boys as it is wil bosses
I relate so much to this post, you and apparently Meredith Grey.
I’m trying to decide if that’s important enough to bring up in my last session with my therapist haha!
I’ve found that “just being” is a pretty good way to go about it.
Of course I’m still single, but then again, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it used to…
A beautiful post Hope.
that quote stuck out to me as well… you can’t forget about yourself. you cannot be careless about your life. it has inherent value, and it isn’t selfish to love yourself.
Way to make a girl tear up at work. I (obviously) relate to this.
they dont call them therapists for nothing, yet its so easy to sit and listen to what they have to advise you on, who can actually sit and follow it though?
you are not the only one who sits and looks for the interest of others to make them feel better in their pain. yes its wrong, but so easy to do.
Wow. You need to hear this song, Love Yourself, by Julianne Hough.
I think you can listen to it here… http://www.last.fm/music/Julianne+Hough/_/Love+Yourself?autostart
And this was a lovely, if saddening post. I hope you can learn what you need to.
I like that therapist of yours. I can appreciate people who know how to call us on our shit in a delicate manner, especially since it is a skill that I am working on mastering.
I still did squeal a little when I found out he called, though.
great post.
keep up the therapy, keep up the hope.
You WILL heal.
You WILL fall in love with a man who values you & loves you back.
keep writing.
your therapist sounds like a keeper. very direct and interactive in what seems like a non-threatening way, which is key.
thinking of you lots.
God I LOVE your blog. Just discovered it and I am in love with it. Can’t wait to read more!! ;)
You’ve probably heard this before and it’s true – You must love yourself before anyone else can truly love you. Then you will know, when love does come… that, that person loves you for you. You should be the most important person to yourself, it’s your life. Hugs!
this is so me, thank you!
Wow. I can’t believe how similar our situations are. (You in Greece – me in Wisconsin!) It is kind of comforting knowing I am not alone in my dire need to be “seen” by a creep. My life coach tells me he is trouble too, although I can not let him go… it makes no sense at all. I know I am smart and beautiful and have so much to offer the right man… Thank you for your beautiful writing. I can step back and see myself in you. Good luck!
Your therapist could teach us all a lesson. Too bad I don’t live in Greece!
I know exactly what you mean by “talking about a guy in order to hide the other issues in your life”.
Just “being” is not easy. If it were, we’d all be doing it. It requires self-acceptance and focusing on what we do have. Not on what we are not and what we do not have. The trick is when everything that’s on your mind is about what you are/have NOT.
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