The differences between us
4 Jan
I dress in black. Most of the time. Sometimes, a splash of grey; red, if I’m feeling flirty. Your palette consists of light blues and whites. My dark brown hair contrasts with your blond, shaved head. My brown eyes look into your clear blues. You’re tall. If I stood on my tip toes I still wouldn’t reach your lips. Remember last night? Remember when I was twirling my hair around my finger? At that moment, I was thinking about how a kiss with you would actually work. Logistically.
You run. I chase. Yet, I am a woman. And you are a man. I show my want. You either hide it well or don’t want. I feel like you see through me. Not that you don’t see me but that you have the ability to see through my every clumsy intention to be near you. I can’t stop seeing you. Your image is burned on my retinas.
I have one smile reserved for you. I see you using the smile I thought was ‘mine’ on everyone.
Yet, you talk to me. And I listen to you. You mumble. I say “Excuse me?” You lean forward as if closer will make you clearer. I lean back as if closer will burn me. I look at you looking at a TV screen. You look at me looking right back at you.
I always text first. You always text last. I am always waiting. You are always moving. Away from me. But, then when I am not looking? Towards me. I don’t understand much of the real game you play. But, apparently you play it well. What about our game? I am playing willingly. You seem to be playing against your wishes. Against your desires. Against mine.
I text you secretly from across The Bar asking if you would like to know what I am thinking about. You’re a foot away. You text back that you do. I say, “I’m thinking about how many more times I have to go out with people I don’t want to until I can go out with the one I want?” You say, “All you have to do is ask” I say, “Do you want me to?’
I smile as I hit send. I see your expression when you read it. I can’t read it. You put your phone away. You continue working. I continue working on sitting at the exact right angle so that you have the best view of my back. I’m playing hard to get. Just like you. Except, you already have me. Except, my sweater? The deep, deep, V-neck is on the back. I am showing you more skin than I ever have. I am showing you the back of my neck. You are showing me nothing but an ambiguous smile.
You ask if I am on a date. I stumble, I stutter. I’m not, but do I want you to know that? You continue, “Do you work every morning?” “Monday through Saturday” I say. “Sunday, then” you say. “Sunday?” I say. I’m slow. Your speed has caught me by surprise.
“Yea. Call me if you’re free. We can organize to go for coffee on Sunday.” You look like you are saying something you don’t want to say. Or are you nervous? I am. Or is it my friend? He sits back down as you say ‘coffee’. I look at him. I look at you. I smile at you. I think I nod. I turn to my friend.
I should feel happy. This is what I wanted. But, you don’t seem happy. Is this what you wanted?
I’m so glad I found you. This post is excellently worded. The difference between red and blue, funny thing is most men claim to be color blind.
Fabulously written. Good luck with the date. You just have to stick your big toe in the water, test out the temperature, and see what you think of the environment. It’ll feel good, or it won’t. You’ll know the difference…
AHHH! BOYS! Just have fun, whatever you do. And it sounds like you are doing just that. Also, why would he have asked if he didn’t want to? Sounds like he follows his own rules/games. Overanalyzing is the bane/exciting aspect of dating. At least for me.
Gah! I cannot wait to keep finding out where this goes.
This man is confusing!!
However, here’s to Sunday, and hopefully a little clarity!!
This guy is very confusing.
I can’t wait to hear what happens!
Hope it works out. :)
This man is definitely playing a game.
But he did mention coffee, so it looks like maybe he wants to try out for your team (or try you out for his!)…
Have fun on Sunday! I don’t know when I’ll be able to check your blog again, but I’ll be waiting with baited breath!
I’m with Princess Pointful- he’s confusing! But, you have a DATE!, and I can’t wait to hear all about it. This dude needs to give you some answers.
a date? i think it’s a date. right? GAH!
ahhh i LOVED this post hope. again.
it is melancholy and i so GET where you’re at. also, again.
i esp love this line:
I feel like you see through me. Not that you don’t see me but that you have the ability to see through my every clumsy intention to be near you.
my sentiments exactly when i’m in your shoes.
HMMMM……..a tryst??? sounds exciting. I hope he treats you incredibly well.
Men! *snorts*
When reading some of your posts, such as this one, I often get so consumed with HOW you are saying things, that I momentarily miss WHAT you are saying.
And I mean that as a compliment.
OMG, I can’t wait to hear details!!!
OMG this would drive me absolutely crazy. The man, he plays the game well. You are much more patient than I will ever be.
I’ll be thinking about you on Sunday, hoping that your coffee date is magnificent!
you have a date!! with The Man! I think we should just focus on the positives right now :) You’ll know all you need after Sunday coffee, which you’ll organize to do. (hee, loved that, “organiser” was such a prominent word in France it caught me off guard with it’s formality.)
This is so compelling. I can’t wait to read what happens next.
Well, you’ve left me in suspense. I can’t wait for the next post!
Though he is really hard to read. I’m impressed you’ve stuck around for so long! I don’t know if I could handle the mixed signals!!
Yay for you!! Men are like clothes, you try many of them on until you find the perfect fit. Consider this his tryout!!
GREAAAAAT post! Really, really good read. I hate trying to read people. Good luck, Hope! Geez.
i’m so glad i found you. it’s nice to know that even across the world, there’s someone out there you get. i can’t wait to here about sunday. about how you handle it. because i knew i’d do what you do were i in your shoes. i mean, hey, it makes the days fun, the game fun. so have fun. :)
AHHHHH!! I LOVED this. (And yes, I show my love by saying AHHHHHHH). I related to so, so, so much of this. The not understanding, the feeling that everything is in code and someone forgot to give me a de-coder ring…
Yeah, your thing with The Man has kept me in suspense this whole time. It’s like a movie that I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!