Not two months ago, the emotional intensity of my life was flat. It had been for quite some time. Sure, there were some peaks but they were so rare. I was so flat that it felt like this massive, overpowering low. But it wasn’t a low. I was going through the motions; living but not really alive.
There’s been a lot of ‘we don’t want you to get hurt’ thrown at me over the last couple of days; from my awesome readers, to my closest friends, to my family. But, when I look over my life, it has never been the hurt that has hurt most. It has always been the emptiness; the nothingness. In my life, the absence of pain and happiness have caused the lowest lows.
There is love and there is hate. And then there is indifference. Indifference has always been the one that has scared me most. Because if someones loves you? They see you. All of you. If someone hates you? They see you. All of you. If someone is indifferent to you? They see you. Right through you. You’re just not there.
I don’t want to have an indifferent life.
I am not scared of getting him and getting hurt. Not at all.
C’est la vie. Seriously.
But, I am scared of not getting him and getting hurt. I am scared that pride and games and rules and phrases like ‘he’s just not that into you’ and ‘the ball is in his court’ prevents me from really living this moment. I am scared of regret, of what-if, of not trying. I am more scared of losing the chance to be with a man who excites me than the actual eventual loss of The Man.
I don’t want to go back to living, but not feeling alive. I don’t want to go back to feeling emotions through the dramas of make-believe characters on television.
I want to keep feeling they way I am feeling. I want to feel butterflies. I want to feel his eyes land on me and I want to follow him with my own. I want to feel apprehension and confusion. I want to feel frustration and exhilaration. I want to feel wanted. I want him to feel wanted. I want him.
And if I get hurt? At least, I’ll still have the memory of his fingers running down my back; of his lips on mine. If I get hurt?
At least, I’ll be both living and alive.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, this was beautifully written. I know exactly what you mean. I feel this way too. It is true, emptiness in life is everyone’s greatest fear.
Well put. Apathy and indifference corrode.
Go. For. It.
You have a lot of courage. Which is so wonderful. Take advantage of that courage, and go feel what you want to. You’re amazing!
I feel the same way. You really have nothing to lose that you wouldn’t have lost anyway by not going for it. Good for you. :)
Let us know how it works out!
This was for me, wasn’t it? (Oh, I love getting those delusions of grandeur ;) )
Anyway, I don’t disagree with you. I shouldn’t be the one to talk in any case, since in the past I’ve maintained a (mostly) overseas relationship that all my friends were telling me to stop because I would only get hurt etc (and you can pretty much guess how it turned out in the end). I know about butterflies, I’ve practically written field guides on them :P
I suppose the thing that annoys me is that the clock is ticking and he’s still playing mating games with you. I just hope he knows what he’s doing.
After both having been the object of indifference and going through an “indifferent” phase in life, I agree with you. Indifference is infinitely more cruel & difficult to bear than real emotion. But you just said it so well!
Go for it. As long as you go into this with no expectations, you have nothing to lose. And next time he’s on Facebook when you’re on Facebook, go for it my dear! No regrets!
Very wise. Live in the moment, and enjoy the millions of glorious moments that unfold in front of you. If you do that the future will take care of itself, and the past won’t really matter.
that was incredibly eloquent.
i know that i sometimes ‘hide’ behind catchphrases and buzzwords like ‘he’s just not that into you’ and what not. yet, i identify with wanting that feeling of alive and living too!
Amen.
I can’t say anything better than you did.
Yes, yep, yea, exactly.
The biggest part is putting yourself out there.
I think the reason the people close to you are telling phrases like ‘he’s just not that into you’ and ‘the ball is in his court’ they are saying it beacause they mean it. That is simply their opinion, and advice to you.
But it’s your life and you are incharge so you can do and say whatever you want. You don’t have to let pride or games in the way, you can handle full on.
Everyone deals with these situations differently and its up to you to do what you feel is right, we are just here giving you our opinions.
Awesome. Perfectly worded.
I have been there. Might currently be there.
Indifference is evil.
It’s good for the heart to risk getting it’s ass kicked from time to time.
I, too, would rather experience something (whether its good or bad) and FEEL alive through it, than go through life in a “safe” way and feel nothing. If it means we get our hearts broken, then so be it. It beats going through the motions any day. I really appreciate how you stated everything.
So well said and I couldn’t agree with you more!! :-) Thank you!!
you’re so brave… for willing to live without the “what ifs”…
probably my favorite post. of any post. i’ve ever read. ever.
i agree. what’s life without risk?
Well put my friend. I think it’s good that you have people who aren’t afraid to speak their minds, but at the end of the day- you are the one who lives with your choice. Do what feels right! Or said differently, do what you cannot live without doing.
Sometimes you remind me so much of myself it’s freaky.
I say go for it, whatever “it” is. You never know what you may or may not have until you try.
Good luck!!
When I feel that way I make the spiciest curry I can handle and feel the burn. Kind of reminds me that yes, actually you are still here, you are still alive.
So in a roundabout kind of way I can see your point. I did the same thing once myself (obsessed over a guy, told him i liked him, he wasn’t interested) and looking back it was purely to keep my mind occupied, to have something new to think about, to write poetry, to feel SOMETHING because I’d just emerged from a terrible depression.
Do it! We’ll all be here cheering you on. And my philosophy is always when in doubt, consider whether it’s good writing material. If it is, at least you’ll get SOMETHING out of it.
Sometimes a post is just so good that I have nothing to contribute.
This is one of them.
Umm..Yeah. I may have said one or two of the above things. And in theory, that sounds good. But in practice I’m more like you’re saying. I’d rather be hurt than sit on the sidelines waiting for life to happen to me. You’re so right, Hope.
Beautiful.
Wow. To echo others, this was incredibly well-written. You are 100% right, of course. That indifference is the worst. But to actually go for it, to put yourself out there, now that’s scary. If you can do it, absolutely go for it. At least you know that then you’ll know. No regrets, no wondering “what if.”
Good luck.